Katastrophies & Other Important News

1.      While driving to lunch I was listening to a retro lunch hour on Mix or Kiss or something.  Imagine my surprise when Everclear and Sarah McLaughlin came on rather than the theme song form The Breakfast Club or Less Than Zero.  This can’t be.  The music I grew up with cannot already be on a RETRO lunch hour…can it?  Oh dear, I am afraid that combined with the small wrinkle to the left of my mouth, the evil effects of gravity and this new retro lunch hour development I am (GULP) getting old.

2.     While walking to my car from DSW (or as my grandma likes to say, DFW) an older woman with a cat carrier, small bag and a face full of very pale white makeup approached me.  “Excuse me could you help me…..”  Uh, yeah, NO.  I know, I am a horrible person.  But I am pretty sure there was no cat in that carrier, which begs the question why would anyone be carrying that around with them – oh, and what the heck happened to the cat.  And if there was no cat to begin with what does she use that little cage for?  YIKES, I don’t even want to know.  So she meandered about the parking lot and approached someone else.  I still feel really bad but then again there are some crazy ass people out there and I did not want to make any headlines.  “Local Dallas woman chopped up to bits and buried in cat carrier right outside a DSW and Ulta location, across the street from Steak and Shake.”  Nope, not gonna be me today.

3.     While on my way up to the office there was a man in the elevator (ok not exactly ground breaking news).  As I always do I gave him the once over to assess my elevator partner and make the appropriate judgments (again, did I mention I am a horrible person).  I can’t get past the shoes.  They are brown leather lace ups, which are fine, but the tops of the tips (say that 5 times fast) were worn so much that they were almost white.  First thought: That man doesn’t have a wife.  One that would insist replacing these shoes immediately.  Shoes say a lot about a person and for a business person having old ratty shoes says you can’t afford them, which in turn says you aren’t good at what you do.   You see, at first glance they are just shoes…but look a little closer and you will see that they are actually more telling than a business card or 10 page proposal!  P.S. NO wedding ring, see I was right (again, not exactly ground breaking news).

4.     Let’s say you go to a fast food restaurant and purchase a diet cherry coke.  You pay your $2.14 and drive off without another thought….first off, $2.14 since when did coke (the caffeinated, trademarked, legal kind) get so danged expensive.  At first sip you think, “MAN this is really good!”  Upon a second sip you begin to doubt the “diet” factor of your beverage, and by the third drink you are certain that your low cal afternoon treat just turned into a 160 calorie splurge.  So if you intended to get a diet, and had every wish and desire to drink that diet drink do the calories count?  I say, NO.  Or at least, that’s how it should be.

Snyder’s Snaps Pretzels (100 calorie pack): They are a little slice of heaven, an oasis in a dessert (I mean desert) of Twinkies and Fritos, they make the perfect afternoon snack or breakfast substitute for the girl on the go and best of all there are LOTS of them in that little bag.  You can get a 100 calorie pack of pretty much anything these days the only problem is there are like 3 pieces inside.  UMM, ok, so after I have had 3 mini Oreos then what do I eat?

Whole Grain Cheerios: Cereal in general gets a raw deal.  Only for breakfast?  I think not!  I eat a healthy bowl of Cheerios for dinner many a night.  They are low calorie, filling, heart healthy and overall yummy (in a plain kind of way, but I like plain so it’s ok).  Plus for the girl on a diet (which one who isn’t I have never met, even if you are currently on hiatus from your diet you definitely have one) they leave lots of extra calorie room for snacks throughout the night (like Jelly Bellies, please reference the Katherine Lemons Workout Routine blog from June 26^th).

The Pottery Barn Catalog: Not that I have ever ordered anything from it but it lets me slip away into a house and world that I can only dream about; one where I can afford to pay $1500 for a full length mirror and $2500 for a large area rug.  Rather than my real life where I visit five Targets to find a rug under $100 because I know the dog is just going to pee on it a week later, if he can manage to restrain himself for that long (or if he is under close supervision).  I decorated for Christmas from the Pottery Barn catalog; it’s full of good classic ideas.  And although some might say it lacks imagination, and that I lack imagination for liking it, those are the people who paint their walls fuchsia and accessorize with scary tribal masks, roosters or stainless steel and black (sorry Chad, it was a good look for a bachelor).  I appreciate classic style, clean lines and an uncluttered life and it just so happens that Pottery Barn provides me all of those things.

Saving Money: While saving money is not something you can go out and purchase (actually quite the opposite) it is definitely one of my favorite things.  You cannot put a price tag on seeing the cash pile up in your savings account.  It makes me feel secure, warm and fuzzy, and super excited (not to mention responsible).  It should be the new trend in the American lifestyle unfortunately it’s not exactly sweeping the nation.  For more information about how to save money and start a budget please visit http://www.daveramsey.com/.  Dave Ramsey has some CRAZY ideas about money, credit and everything in between….if you think you are safe and sound and don’t need to save just ask yourself, “Self, would I be OK if I lost my job and had no income for 3 months?”   Things can turn on a dime these days so just make sure you have more than a dime in your savings account!

Another busy weekend, or so it felt.  It seems that if we have to leave the house more than twice, and for more than just a food run I chalk it up to being a BUSY weekend.

Friday I had dinner with a work crew – not a random construction crew, people that I personally work with.  I have decided that Houlihans in Addison has the best food, overall, that I have had at a mid priced restaurant in a long time.  I had, you guessed it, salmon and it wasn’t $30.  It wasn’t cheap by any means but it’s what I would expect to pay for a piece of fish, some potatoes and green beans – oh, and a delightful chopped salad I might add.  They also have refreshing mojitos and pometinis (pomegranate martinis).

Saturday was way fun.  I scooped up my grandma and my aunt and we went to Chocolate Angel Tea Room (in Plano).  We each had a healthy salad and then headed to the mall.  Willow Bend Mall is an interesting place.  For you Dallas locals you know that it is rather sparse in terms of people and affordable shops, however, it is much better than it was when they first built it.  For a while there I thought it was a gonner.  All they need is a Nordstrom to really take it to another level – of course, I think every corner needs a Nordstrom.  Anytime I see construction I tell Chad that I think they are building a Nordstrom, which is just wishful thinking, I know, but it helps to think positive thoughts.  And according to The Secret if I think it enough it will happen so that’s what I am counting on.

After some light shopping we had to take a Starbuck’s break, which just so happened to be next to the Apple store.  And they just so happened to be selling the new iPhone that day.  No, I didn’t get one.  But the good news for Apple is that there were 325 other people there that day that DID.  They were all in line, mostly men, looking like they were waiting to sit in Santa’s lap or something.  It’s not that I am opposed to the new iPhone it’s just that I am opposed to:

§  Paying $200 for a phone, which cannot enhance an outfit or decorate my house (two of my criteria for paying $200 for anything)

§  Giving my social security number for a phone, a phone mind you not a loan which sounds similar but is very different

§  Needing a valid government-issued photo ID, again, I am not showing my passport in order to purchase a phone

All of the above things indicate to me that there is too much of my personal information available to the public.  It also indicates to me that it will be too complicated for me to really get my full $200 from it.  Sort of like an all you can eat buffet – I mean, all that I can eat doesn’t equal $15.99, or it SHOULDN’T so why would I pay that much if I am only going to have a chicken salad (with dressing on the side).

Back to the point.  Unless they are giving away free Gucci handbags with every iPhone there is no way I am waiting in line for an hour plus for a phone….no matter how cool it may be.  All that said if I don’t get a phone with a flip up keyboard soon I am protesting and never texting again.  It takes me an hour to text, “hey what is ur plan 4 later” and that is just unacceptable for 2008.  Plus Chad has one and I have major phone envy.

After Starbucks we buckled down and did some sale shopping at Macys.  I had “luck” although with my grandma it’s hard not to luck out.  You know how grandmas think you look cute in everything (not that I don’t, because I sort of do, except for those high waisted jeans).  We probably shopped for 3 hours which is WAY longer than I am used to so I was exhausted…..probably due in part to my limited physical activity during the week (and weekends, and holidays).

As Heather would say, I had to RALLY because that night we headed to Krisi’s (2^nd) 29^th birthday.  It was a fun time – lots of food, friends, karaoke and darts (the game, they weren’t just randomly being thrown at us or anything).  I made Krisi these cookies, I am totally obsessed with making them, they are so fun:

Sunday Beth, Jess and I laid out by the pool.  I got a nice little bronze, which Chad cursed as soon as I got home (he hates my tanability, which is SOOO a word Word, so stop with the squiggly line).  That evening Chad and I drove to Frisco to see if it was too far for us to move to and it turns out it probably is.  We will play it by ear but it’s not our first choice.  I am sure I will have lots to write about when the official house hunt comes around.  Right now I am just obsessed with looking on-line at houses.  Which Chad is quick to inform me is a waste of time since we aren’t going to start looking until mid August.  Whatever, I love it and it makes me happy….I can stop anytime….really I can.

I sort of love going to the grocery store. 

My only wish would be that I wouldn’t have to go right after work in my high heels and work garb.  My dream would be to saunter in around 10:30 AM in my sweat pants and flip flops (and a shirt of some kind, perverts) and peruse every aisle as if I didn’t have a care in the world.  I would chat up the deli counter clerk and sample multiple cheeses and meats.  Then I would hold, smell, and feel every fruit and vegetable so as to be sure to get the best ones.  Every aisle would spark some delicious new recipe in my head and it would be low fat and have 100 calories too.  This dream sequence, however, is not so much my reality.

On a normal grocery day, Monday at 5:05 PM, I schlep in a little sweaty from my 1 minute walk in the parking lot (during the hottest part of the day) and grab the least offensive cart.  Lately I have been laying down a few napkins from the soup station on the seat up front for my purse, since it’s new and tan and beautiful the last thing I want is vegetable grime or sticky gunk getting on it.  I digress, there is really nothing leisurely about the trip.  I am tired, hot and ready to get home before the dog decides to passive aggressively pee on the floor.  So I race up and down each aisle marking off items on my list.  I guess it’s appropriate that Tom Thumb was playing Eye of the Tiger from Rocky last week because nothing says GROCERY store like that.  Seriously, I was cracking up and wondering why nobody else thought this was hilarious as well. 

Anyhow, this week was especially eventful.  I was just about to pick up a package of Jenni O turkey meat, per usual, when I noticed all the packages were an odd color.  Instead of a healthy light pink they were all brown – not wanting to be out of commission for 2 days with a bout of food poisoning I asked the butcher if he had any more in the back.  When I turned back around for my basket it was gone.  My heart dropped and I had one of those “This can’t really be happening moments.”  Only it was!  I said out loud, “Where is my cart, it’s gone!”  The butcher asked if someone else may have accidentally grabbed it.  The 3 Carrollton firemen standing around just looked sort of like deers in headlights, comforting.  I look ahead about 30 feet to see my beautiful purse being carted off by an overweight middle aged man wearing sweatpants and slippers.  “Sir, Sir, EXCUSE ME SIR!  I think you have MY cart (and more importantly my purse)!”  The man looked down all confused like and casually said, “Oh, I guess I need my glasses on, sorry about that.”  Sorry?  Is that all I get, just a sorry?  Come on you can do better than that.  You almost ran off with my brand new purse, a wallet full of charge cards to Victoria’s Secret, Nordstrom, and the Gap and irreplaceable odds and ends like my Tide Stick, mini hairspray can, hand sanitizer and the biggest of all….MY PHONE.  I can’t function without my phone, I don’t know anyone’s number by heart except for Chad’s.  I would be totally and utterly LOST.

The butcher and the 3 firemen were chuckling to themselves and the butcher thanked me as he needed a good laugh that day.  Oh well, you’re welcome.  Sorry it couldn’t be even more hilarious, next time we will cross our fingers that someone will actually steal my stuff.  Gahh.

Well, I got my meat, in case you were wondering but the disturbing part is the butcher never went back to remove all the brown packages.  Which means some unsuspecting turkey eater is probably going to get very sick this week.  But at least it’s not me!

(This would be me on my leisurely stroll through the grocery store…only my purse is much cuter and let’s face it so am I, no offense to melon girl or anything.)

Every few years we, meaning Ziglar, engage in the mundane process of searching out a new copier lease.  It’s really a silly exercise because each time it’s the same.  The current company can’t offer you quite as good of a deal as any given new company so you change.  Then when that lease is up it could very well be that your previous company comes back again with a good deal.  Anyhow, this happens to be the case now.  Our current leasing company Toshiba Business Solutions couldn’t really do as much for us as another local company and the sales rep didn’t exactly pursue it either (which I hear is KEY in sales).

In order not to “auto renew” most copier leases have a very strict code of how, when and where to send your formal cancelation notice.  And if you don’t abide you have just bought yourself another 2 years with an outdated copier, congratulations.  It’s the equivalent of a current boyfriend or girlfriend denying your right to break up with them because you didn’t do so at the right time or place.  Like, “HA, you may want to dump me but due to the FINE PRINT you have to go out with me for a minimum of 2 more years.  Even though I am old and there are newer, younger, smaller models out there that can do twice as much as I can in half the time.”  Well, perhaps the latter is more specific to the copier world than the dating world.  But you get the point, right?

Anyhow, I did my due diligence to ensure that I sent the proper notification.  Then I followed-up just to make sure, so I assumed all was well.  Then our new leasing company got me all scared and insisted that I request a front/back copy of our lease from the current company.  Apparently there is some secretive “back” of terms and conditions that they may be hiding from me.  So I immediately called my current rep for the request.  Then I e-mailed.  Then I e-mailed again.  As the crickets say, “chirp, chirp.”  So I called, again.  Still, just the chirping.  As of yesterday I called my rep’s boss and left a message.  I am beginning to think they have vacated the building, except for the receptionist who is the only live human I can get in touch with.

Here is the sad part, if they had just filled my request of faxing or e-mailing me a copy of the lease front/back they would have had a chance eventually to do business with us again.  However, now that chance is DEAD, dead like the sea and the patches of grass in our backyard (from the bunnies).  So SHAME on you Toshiba Business Solutions for not continuing your customer service even if you may have lost your opportunity for one deal….now you have lost your opportunity for ANY deal ever with us!

You see people there is a very important lesson to learn here: Customers may forget that the copier jammed every 2 weeks or that your service team looked about as happy as the crew for the Titanic but they will NOT soon forget being totally ignored by multiple people for over 3 weeks!

And that’s all I have to say about that.

It was a long and wild weekend, well, wild for us means staying out past 11:00 multiple nights in a row.  And we did!

Thursday morning I took the day off and met Eric in the parking lot of Target at 7:00 AM.  This may sound sketchy at first but I promise it was on the up and up – I was picking up Sophia for a day of hitting the bottle, burping and diaper changes…and that was just me (oh wait, maybe not the last one).

Chewy was none too pleased to have a tiny competitor in the house.  He followed me around from room to room and acted like his butt was on fire, hopping from couch to ottoman, back to the floor and all over again; yeah, even if we wanted to I am not sure Chewy would allow us to have children.

That night we all headed to Addison for Kaboom Town.  And much to our delight the traffic was minimal, as was the crowd, there was no entrance fee, plenty of porta potties (yuck, but they will do in a pinch, haha, potty jokes), and best of all there was lots of meat on a stick for everyone to enjoy (turkey legs and corny dogs).  After the sun went down it was even, gasp, coolish, or at least it wasn’t muggy and miserable.  The fireworks were very cool this year, and I am sure they weren’t at all enhanced by the vodka, Crystal Light and Pomegranate juice mix I was sipping on.  The fireworks ended and Sophia was out like a light so the Burbidges went home.

(Sophia, showing the rest of us how to REALLY hit the bottle.)

The rest of us crazy kids were craving a bit more than meat on a stick so we trucked it to a Bennigans.  We all ordered grilled chicken salad with dressing on the side and a mineral water.  Oh wait, no, that must have been another time.  I think it was more like cheeseburgers, the fried platter, death by chocolate, the Monte Cristo, potato soup, French fries and, well, you get the picture.  The service, was, um, well, err, uhh, HORRIBLE.  Our waiter should have mentioned that there was only one cook, perhaps it would have created a sympathy factor but after waiting for 20 minutes for water I kind of don’t think 15 cooks would have made a difference.  The night ended with Tawna smuggling the remainder of her Monte Cristo in a napkin, yeah, it was that good or she was that tipsy, one or the other!

Friday was more low key.  Beth and I hijacked Jessica’s pool, as in we went to her apartment pool without her!  Although we called and tried, she was busy, but we couldn’t be stopped we needed sun and we needed right then.  That night Chad and I met Jon, Tawna, Beth and Matt at Houston’s for a little birthday dinner.  I love Houstons, my Aunt and I are obsessed with their salmon.  So, of course, that’s what I ordered only I didn’t see it on the menu but the waiter said that they had Atlantic Slamon.  Ok, sure, whatever, I hear it’s better for you anyway, grill her up Mr. Waiter!  My blessed salmon arrived and it was good, but not as good as usual.  Nonetheless I ate away, and we enjoyed a nice time…..then the bill came.  Ironically I had already volunteered to buy that night, since Chad always buys when we go out and he is sort of opposed to expensive food while I am not (once in a while).  Here is a brief summary of our bill:

Burger: $15

Aritichoke Dip: $16

Wine: Priceless (oh wait, no, more like $9)

Salmon: $30……Insert record scratching noise.

I’m sorry, what was that?  $30 for a piece of fish?  Was this a special salmon from the Atlantic that my body could feed off of for days?  Would it heal all my physical ailments and improve my personal relationships?  For $30 it had better do one of those things!  In a way, though, I am glad I paid if not I think Chad would have withheld food from me for days and shuffled around the house muttering something about money and fish.

Then came Saturday (I told you it was a LONG weekend).  I decided at the last minute to make 4^th of July cookies with homemade icing, sort of like the flamingo cookies only not flamingos, and red icing instead of pink…..and Erica wasn’t there to break any this time.  I also made Gigi and Eric’s signature Crack Dip, not sure of its God-given name but it’s addicting like crack (the drug not the butt).  Then we headed to Shannon and Melissa’s for some family time.  We ate brisket, chicken potato salad, homemade ice cream, crack dip, cookies and gosh, what else is there?  The evening ended with a friendly Lemons’ debate, spurred by our resident moderator Daddy DougJ.

Sunday was NOTHING day, finally.  Chad and I kept commenting on how tired we were, even though we had slept in every single day.  I guess it’s age.  So I did laundry, watched HGTV (my new favorite show is Designer’s Challenge), periodically pestered Chad, made a few greeting cards, fantasized about our next house and how I would decorate it, snuggled with the dog, ate more crack dip, investigated a few missing cookies and then remembered that I had eaten them before breakfast, and looked on-line at houses out of our price range (it’s still my favorite hobby).  Chad, on the other hand, watched TV, played poker on-line, periodically pestered me, snuggled with the dog, asked where all the cookies had gone, changed socks twice, made 2 food runs and a Blockbuster run, and then he got on to me for eating only red and purple Sweet Tarts (so I am a candy snob who despises orange and yellow, so what).  So yeah, you can see that it was definitely a NOTHING day (mission complete).  And that was it!

WHEW I need a weekend to recover from my weekend.

(This was Jon BEFORE the turkey leg.) 

(And this was Jon AFTER.)

(Sohpia and Gigi just chillen like villans.)

(Beth, who are you texting that’s more important than us??)

On Saturday Chad and I saw WANTED with Tawna and Matt – not starring Tawna and Matt just in the company of.  The movie starred Angelina J. and James M.  From the outside it has everything Chad and I would normally enjoy in a movie: action, hot chic, hot dude, and well, wait, what else is there?    The hot chic and hot dude part did not let us down – although Tawna and I were secretly (I guess not so secretly now) hoping for a steamy love scene between the two stars I guess it wasn’t really necessary for the plot (as my grandmother would say, “they didn’t have to show that!”)  It was definitely full of adventure too.  Every other minute something was exploding or someone was almost killed, I think it may have even surpassed a Die Hard level of action and adventure (is that sacrilegious?). 

The movie just sort of fell flat in a way that I can’t really put into words.  It had all the right elements but there was also this thread of cheesiness that was hard to ignore.  Curving bullets is great and strapping bombs to rats is also cool but I guess when put together in one scene it was hard not to laugh out loud.  Overall I would rate the film a 7.2.  And, sadly, I would still recommend it over Maid of Honor.  I say “sadly” because Chad practically fought tooth and nail NOT to see that one and yet I made him go to meet his quota of ONE chick flick per year….I wasted it on MOH and now there is no going back.

I work in a rather large building in North Dallas so I think I have a nice sampling of what people are wearing to work these days – more importantly what WOMEN are wearing to work these days (or what they aren’t wearing is more like it).  Gone are the times of stockings, skirts and high heel s (thank goodness) but now a new trend seems to have emerged.  I would call this trend: ass, boobs and overall inappropriateness.  This phenomenon is only heightened by the soaring temperatures in Texas, forget that it’s 10 below in the actual office building the fact that one has to walk to and from the car in the covered dark garage apparently warrants strappy tank tops and thigh grazing skirts. 

My company happens to be casual, not business casual just casual.  I love the expanded wardrobe I have now that jeans are an option every day but I still have pieces that only fall under the “weekend” or “nighttime” category.  This, apparently, is not the case for everyone.  Not only is scandalous attire sweeping the metroplex but so is just plain sloppy, ratty, and trashy.  Capris, yes.  Jean capris with a hole in the knee paired with your 12 year old payless sandals.  Emphatically.  NO.

Ladies, I think it’s important to note that your knee length dress may NOT be knee length in the back, if you know what I mean.  If you are lucky, you have something known as a rear end.  Now, I personally don’t know anything about this but I hear it’s a predominate and desired feature in most women.  It’s absolutely KEY to give yourself the once over from behind before leaving for work.  If you did then I am sure you would see that your dress/skirt is not as long in the back as it is in the front – like a reverse mullet only there is NO party going on in the back (and if there is I ain’t comin).

Cleavage.  Oh cleavage.  There is a time and a place, and it is not 8:00-5:00 M-F.  If you are a young woman you just look trashy and as though you are trying to climb the corporate ladder (with no underwear on).  If you are a mature woman then, well, I hate to say it but at some point you should know better and if you don’t then you just look sad (for not knowing, not that I am an ageist, old cleavage is beautiful too, just not at work).   You don’t have to wear turtlenecks and pleated pants.  That’s not at all what I am saying.  You can dress chic and look attractive without your boobs popping up or out.  And you will probably garner a lot more credibility too.

Men, let’s face it, you have it easy.  For the most part your wardrobe mistakes are pretty inoffensive, even if they may not be that fashionable.  The only request I have is to wear clothes that fit.  And if you have to pull your pants up or your shirt down just from standing and sitting then, well, your clothes don’t fit.  I don’t even want to see my own ass crack so I certainly don’t want to see yours.  It’s ok, go up a size the world will thank you.

In closing I would like to say that you can dress professionally and attractively on a budget.  It does not take a million dollars to look cute and appropriate.  Old Navy, Gap, even Target are all doing amazing things these days with professional attire.  Buy clothes that fit, buy classic cuts and maybe invest in a few key pieces but I promise you can get just as much done in a demure outfit as you can a strappy, low cut sundress.

P.S. Buy shoes that fit too, nothing looks sillier than your size 10 W feet spilling out a size 8 ½.  And I can say that because I wear a 9 ½.

(Yeah, so not appropriate for work)

I thought it was important that I amend my last post about loathing intentional exercise.  I want to make it clear that I enjoy UNintentional exercise.  For example, I rather enjoy an afternoon of Baggo (similar to horseshoes), throwing the football around in the backyard (and maneuvering around Chewy’s land mines), mad dashes to an airline gate when leaving for a tropical vacation, and even water volleyball.  These are all things that don’t feel like work because they are enjoyable and then you wake up the next morning and wonder why your arms are sore or how you sprained your ankle (which is a much greater risk when you are doing any of the above mentioned activities while drinking).

(This Won’t Be Me in 20 Years!)

I am sort of infamous for my stance on intentional exercise, basically I hate it.  I loathe the idea of going to the gym; of spending 30 minutes getting dressed, filling my water bottle, prepping my iPod, driving, and gearing up to spend 30-45 more minutes chained to a treadmill, recumbent bike or worse – left to my own devices in the free weights section.  I am way too lazy to do all this in the morning, I would have to get up at like 4:00 AM and I just don’t see that happening unless I am catching a flight to Mexico or something.  After work I am uber tired, and that whole bit about “exercise will give you more energy” must not kick in until after like 8 years of consistently working out.  ‘Cause despite my hatred of working out I have given it a fair chance plenty of times and it has always disappointed me.  So yeah, working out after work is out of the question too.

In Texas there are like 4.5 days of the entire year where walking outside is a pleasant experience and 3.2 of them I am at work and can’t really enjoy it.  While I DO enjoy walking around the neighborhood for exercise it just isn’t possible that often.  Besides, I always feel like such an imposter.  I am self conscious that the other walkers will spot me and secretly think how out of shape I am and that I am not even using correct form (whatever that may be).  Plus, why do my fingers swell to sausage size when I walk?  See, just another downside to working out.

There are constant reminders of why I don’t work out.  For instance, the other day a friend of a friend of a friend’s wife dropped a weight on her head and had to get stitches across her forehead.  HELLO, that would have never happened if she hadn’t been working out.  And Chad has hurt his back plenty of times while playing golf, running, and shooting hoops.  I have too many responsibilities to be risking my mobility for something as shallow as tight abs or toned arms.  Besides, I like my double Bye Bye arms, they help reinforce my wave, so that people know I REALLY care about them.

I could go on and on about the subject but my point is actually to tell you about my new idea for an easy workout; one where you don’t have to get dressed, drive to gym, spend 30 minutes pulling your hair back, double knotting your shoe laces, and 10 minutes surveying your competition in the locker room (is it really necessary to walk around butt ass naked, I mean really grab a towel or even a hair brush for goodness sakes).  I have developed The Katherine Lemons Workout Routine (trademark pending).

1.     Begin by turning on the TV, I know, it doesn’t make sense now but it will.  Choose a program that depicts young skinny girls or fit women participating in workout behavior (WARNING: this workout routine may appeal mostly to women, but it can be adapted to fit men as well….however, since men can basically fart and lose 20 pounds it’s not as though they really need a routine). 

2.    Engage in watching that show for at least 30 minutes.

3.    While you watch move from the couch to the floor, or if you have an oversized ottoman you can move to that as well…moving the dog out of your way multiple times may be necessary.

4.    Once securely on the ottoman or floor begin doing mini crunches.

a.    Mini Crunches can be defined as attempting to sit up but giving up half way through due to fatigue.  Forgot about military crunches and all those silly rules, these are sit ups for the lazy!

5.    Continue with as many mini crunches as you can muster without breaking a sweat, the idea is that you don’t really know you are working out.

6.    When done with crunches lie back down on your side and begin leg lifts.

a.    Leg Lifts are easy, you can lift as high or as low as you feel is necessary.

7.    When your legs begin to tire you may quit, no need to overexert yourself.

8.    If you are feeling really adventurous, stand up.

9.    Once on your feet begin arm circles.

a.    Arm Circles should be done in small and large rounds so as to garner a “well rounded” arm workout.

10. Now take a break!  During break it may be appropriate to hydrate and even pop a few Jelly Bellies to keep your energy up.

11. The last step is simply to repeat for as many times as you want, or not at all if that’s what you want.  If “not” then you can reengage in break time and consume more Jelly Bellies (no-name jelly beans are not recommended as they are tasteless and nasty).

My theory and new motto is that something is better than nothing, and if my alternative to steps 1-11 is nothing than certainly this must be better.  The TV program serves to inspire you; I mean who wants to eat a bag of cookies while watching Heidi Montage parade around in leggings and high heels (not I).  The Bravo program Workout is an especially good inspiration, I think watching fit people engage in exercise is the next best thing to actually working out yourself.

P.S. Another great workout is shopping, all that mall walking and trying on of clothes actually does burn calories, it’s true I read it in Glamour so it has to be fact.