Katastrophies & Other Important News

I work in a rather large building in North Dallas so I think I have a nice sampling of what people are wearing to work these days – more importantly what WOMEN are wearing to work these days (or what they aren’t wearing is more like it).  Gone are the times of stockings, skirts and high heel s (thank goodness) but now a new trend seems to have emerged.  I would call this trend: ass, boobs and overall inappropriateness.  This phenomenon is only heightened by the soaring temperatures in Texas, forget that it’s 10 below in the actual office building the fact that one has to walk to and from the car in the covered dark garage apparently warrants strappy tank tops and thigh grazing skirts. 

My company happens to be casual, not business casual just casual.  I love the expanded wardrobe I have now that jeans are an option every day but I still have pieces that only fall under the “weekend” or “nighttime” category.  This, apparently, is not the case for everyone.  Not only is scandalous attire sweeping the metroplex but so is just plain sloppy, ratty, and trashy.  Capris, yes.  Jean capris with a hole in the knee paired with your 12 year old payless sandals.  Emphatically.  NO.

Ladies, I think it’s important to note that your knee length dress may NOT be knee length in the back, if you know what I mean.  If you are lucky, you have something known as a rear end.  Now, I personally don’t know anything about this but I hear it’s a predominate and desired feature in most women.  It’s absolutely KEY to give yourself the once over from behind before leaving for work.  If you did then I am sure you would see that your dress/skirt is not as long in the back as it is in the front – like a reverse mullet only there is NO party going on in the back (and if there is I ain’t comin).

Cleavage.  Oh cleavage.  There is a time and a place, and it is not 8:00-5:00 M-F.  If you are a young woman you just look trashy and as though you are trying to climb the corporate ladder (with no underwear on).  If you are a mature woman then, well, I hate to say it but at some point you should know better and if you don’t then you just look sad (for not knowing, not that I am an ageist, old cleavage is beautiful too, just not at work).   You don’t have to wear turtlenecks and pleated pants.  That’s not at all what I am saying.  You can dress chic and look attractive without your boobs popping up or out.  And you will probably garner a lot more credibility too.

Men, let’s face it, you have it easy.  For the most part your wardrobe mistakes are pretty inoffensive, even if they may not be that fashionable.  The only request I have is to wear clothes that fit.  And if you have to pull your pants up or your shirt down just from standing and sitting then, well, your clothes don’t fit.  I don’t even want to see my own ass crack so I certainly don’t want to see yours.  It’s ok, go up a size the world will thank you.

In closing I would like to say that you can dress professionally and attractively on a budget.  It does not take a million dollars to look cute and appropriate.  Old Navy, Gap, even Target are all doing amazing things these days with professional attire.  Buy clothes that fit, buy classic cuts and maybe invest in a few key pieces but I promise you can get just as much done in a demure outfit as you can a strappy, low cut sundress.

P.S. Buy shoes that fit too, nothing looks sillier than your size 10 W feet spilling out a size 8 ½.  And I can say that because I wear a 9 ½.

(Yeah, so not appropriate for work)

I thought it was important that I amend my last post about loathing intentional exercise.  I want to make it clear that I enjoy UNintentional exercise.  For example, I rather enjoy an afternoon of Baggo (similar to horseshoes), throwing the football around in the backyard (and maneuvering around Chewy’s land mines), mad dashes to an airline gate when leaving for a tropical vacation, and even water volleyball.  These are all things that don’t feel like work because they are enjoyable and then you wake up the next morning and wonder why your arms are sore or how you sprained your ankle (which is a much greater risk when you are doing any of the above mentioned activities while drinking).

(This Won’t Be Me in 20 Years!)

I am sort of infamous for my stance on intentional exercise, basically I hate it.  I loathe the idea of going to the gym; of spending 30 minutes getting dressed, filling my water bottle, prepping my iPod, driving, and gearing up to spend 30-45 more minutes chained to a treadmill, recumbent bike or worse – left to my own devices in the free weights section.  I am way too lazy to do all this in the morning, I would have to get up at like 4:00 AM and I just don’t see that happening unless I am catching a flight to Mexico or something.  After work I am uber tired, and that whole bit about “exercise will give you more energy” must not kick in until after like 8 years of consistently working out.  ‘Cause despite my hatred of working out I have given it a fair chance plenty of times and it has always disappointed me.  So yeah, working out after work is out of the question too.

In Texas there are like 4.5 days of the entire year where walking outside is a pleasant experience and 3.2 of them I am at work and can’t really enjoy it.  While I DO enjoy walking around the neighborhood for exercise it just isn’t possible that often.  Besides, I always feel like such an imposter.  I am self conscious that the other walkers will spot me and secretly think how out of shape I am and that I am not even using correct form (whatever that may be).  Plus, why do my fingers swell to sausage size when I walk?  See, just another downside to working out.

There are constant reminders of why I don’t work out.  For instance, the other day a friend of a friend of a friend’s wife dropped a weight on her head and had to get stitches across her forehead.  HELLO, that would have never happened if she hadn’t been working out.  And Chad has hurt his back plenty of times while playing golf, running, and shooting hoops.  I have too many responsibilities to be risking my mobility for something as shallow as tight abs or toned arms.  Besides, I like my double Bye Bye arms, they help reinforce my wave, so that people know I REALLY care about them.

I could go on and on about the subject but my point is actually to tell you about my new idea for an easy workout; one where you don’t have to get dressed, drive to gym, spend 30 minutes pulling your hair back, double knotting your shoe laces, and 10 minutes surveying your competition in the locker room (is it really necessary to walk around butt ass naked, I mean really grab a towel or even a hair brush for goodness sakes).  I have developed The Katherine Lemons Workout Routine (trademark pending).

1.     Begin by turning on the TV, I know, it doesn’t make sense now but it will.  Choose a program that depicts young skinny girls or fit women participating in workout behavior (WARNING: this workout routine may appeal mostly to women, but it can be adapted to fit men as well….however, since men can basically fart and lose 20 pounds it’s not as though they really need a routine). 

2.    Engage in watching that show for at least 30 minutes.

3.    While you watch move from the couch to the floor, or if you have an oversized ottoman you can move to that as well…moving the dog out of your way multiple times may be necessary.

4.    Once securely on the ottoman or floor begin doing mini crunches.

a.    Mini Crunches can be defined as attempting to sit up but giving up half way through due to fatigue.  Forgot about military crunches and all those silly rules, these are sit ups for the lazy!

5.    Continue with as many mini crunches as you can muster without breaking a sweat, the idea is that you don’t really know you are working out.

6.    When done with crunches lie back down on your side and begin leg lifts.

a.    Leg Lifts are easy, you can lift as high or as low as you feel is necessary.

7.    When your legs begin to tire you may quit, no need to overexert yourself.

8.    If you are feeling really adventurous, stand up.

9.    Once on your feet begin arm circles.

a.    Arm Circles should be done in small and large rounds so as to garner a “well rounded” arm workout.

10. Now take a break!  During break it may be appropriate to hydrate and even pop a few Jelly Bellies to keep your energy up.

11. The last step is simply to repeat for as many times as you want, or not at all if that’s what you want.  If “not” then you can reengage in break time and consume more Jelly Bellies (no-name jelly beans are not recommended as they are tasteless and nasty).

My theory and new motto is that something is better than nothing, and if my alternative to steps 1-11 is nothing than certainly this must be better.  The TV program serves to inspire you; I mean who wants to eat a bag of cookies while watching Heidi Montage parade around in leggings and high heels (not I).  The Bravo program Workout is an especially good inspiration, I think watching fit people engage in exercise is the next best thing to actually working out yourself.

P.S. Another great workout is shopping, all that mall walking and trying on of clothes actually does burn calories, it’s true I read it in Glamour so it has to be fact.

Friday night was low key.  Chad and I ate at none other than On the Border (don’t be jealous Tawna) but it wasn’t as good as normal.  The food was cold and the service was less than desirable but on the up side I was facing the door so I was able to do some good people watching.  I especially liked one couple.  He must have borrowed Shaquile O’Neal’s t-shirt because it almost went to his ankles but it did go nicely with his giant gold pendant necklace.  She was a pleasantly stout young lady with stilettos, a short skirt and a tank top that seemed to be holding her bosoms hostage (as I think it was trying to escape out the top).

We topped off the evening with ice cream and a movie; we rented The Firm with Tom Cruise.  Unfortunately the movie gave me bad dreams since Tom cheats on his wife with some beach hooker.  Literally they meet on the beach at night and 4.5 minutes later they are getting busy.  Who does that?  Even in the movies, so ridiculous!  So the dream involved Chad and some girl that I used to know.  Poor Chad he didn’t even do anything wrong and yet I woke up super pissed at him.

Saturday morning I prepped for Beth’s party and then headed over to her house around 4:00.

The party was a blast!  Tawna arrived in her patio dress with her jug of spiked lemonade…oh and she accessorized with Krisi and Matt too.  Gigi brought along Sophia and Eric, both of which were adorably cute…although Eric wouldn’t let anyone hold him, he was being so fussy. 

Everyone had a wonderful time, however, I don’t think anyone enjoyed my flamingo ring toss.  I am a little hurt to tell you the truth, I thought it would be the hit of the party but it turns out that Gigi’s crack dip was the hit of the party.  Whatever, I guess my ring toss was missing corn and avocados.

Now Beth has 18 bottles of hard liquor, 25 bottles of wine, and ½ a keg; so either she is going to have another party or develop a serious drinking problem.  Either way she is bound to be lots of fun.

P.S. I would be remiss in not mentioning Krisi’s bable.  If you haven’t seen it you MUST, perhaps she will bust it out at her 29^th birthday party.

(My Famous Flamingo Cookies – And Thanks Erica for Purposefully Breaking Some of Their Legs, What Are You In the Mob Now?)

(Peonies, LOVE THEM, and Specially Made Vases)

(Party Spread – The Beer Wasn’t Part of the Display)

(Erica and Sophia)

This is a message to all of you spammers out there.  This would specifically apply to Yahoo spammers and MySpace spammers. 

If you send me a friend request and I don’t know you I usually go to your site first to check it out, before approving.  If the first thing I see is a blog titled, “Peek a Boob” the chances are I am NOT approving your request.  Also, if your name is “Naughty Schoolgirl” you will be denied.  I am not sure why you think that I am interested in your scandalous weekend activities or that you can put your leg behind your head while making cupcakes but just let it be known – THAT I AM NOT INTERESTED.  And do you think that if I were interested in pornographic photos of you and your friends that I would just sit around and wait to get a friend request?  How lazy would that be. If I wanted to stare at your naughty bits or anyone else’s I would at least have the gumption to go out and search for them.  It’s not like you have to be a super sleuth these days to find porn on the Internet…just type in “corn” or “different types of beavers” and you get all sorts of links.

And I really shouldn’t have to tell you Yahoo spammers that I am probably not going to be giving you my bank routing number and social security number any time soon.  Although I realize North Texas is not an ivy league school you do have to be able to read, write and solve common word problems to get in.  Hmmm, me, plus my financial information, plus a stranger in Nigeria = BAD NEWS.  Does anyone really fall for that?  If so it’s probably the people with $20 in their account anyway. 

Also, I will not be looking into any job positions where I can work from my home, part time, and make 1 million dollars a year.  Something tells me that it’s just not possible unless you invented Apple computers or something (and that’s already been done so I missed my chance).

I close in saying that there may have been a time when I would have appreciated notifications about singles in my area but that time has passed.  And ya know, even when I was single I would not have responded to some random unsolicited e-mail to find a date.  I preferred the old fashioned way – at a bar.

P.S. For everyone trying to cash in on your “free Target” or “Walmart” gift cards let it be a warning to you that neither stores accept copies of the e-mails as payment…and they may usher you out of the store if you insist……they may even ban you from the premises if you cause a fuss.

Marriage is a truly enlightening experience.  Not only do you get to know that specific person quite well but you also get an up close and personal glimpse of the opposite sex in general.  In just under a year I have made some amazing observations so I thought it only right to share them with you.  OH, and just so there is no confusion not all of these observations were gathered from my husband in particular.

1.      Huffing around and giving the silent treatment is not a method of communication that men pick up on – it’s best to be direct or else you (the woman) ends up miserable while they (the man) exists blissfully unaware.

2.     Men CAN multitask, despite common belief that only women can. I have seen Chad on the computer, texting, watching a live game on one TV, fast forwarding a recorded game on the other TV all the while listening to the story I was telling…and eating Runts.

3.     Men have hobbies that almost always involve a competitive element – video games, fantasy leagues, golf, etc.  Women don’t need competitive hobbies like these as we prefer stealth like levels of competition executed by having the tiniest waist lines, most expensive purses, cutest hair cut, and so on.

4.     Women DO consider having dinner with friends a hobby, men consider it borderline homosexual…unless there is a sporting event on and beer is involved, a meal may be eaten as long as it is eaten at a bar (not a table).  It is preferable that meals and/or drinks be served by a female in a tight shirt, shiny orange shorts and ugly white high top sneakers – minus ten points for a college education (this is definitely an observation NOT from my husband, seriously).

5.     Men cycle through the same 5 t-shirts every week – for however long it takes those shirts to disintegrate.  Women can wear a shirt once, decide it’s old 2 months later, never wear it again, but keep it for 8 years (just in case).

6.     Bruce Willis does not make romantic comedies – that’s the last time I fall for that!

7.     Patrick Dempsy and Matthew M. don’t make action thrillers either – teehee, my revenge.

8.     Men care that their car is clean, women (or at least the ones I know) don’t particularly fret over it too much.

9.     Women care that the baseboards, microwave, and burner plates are clean, men (at least the ones I know) don’t particularly fret over them too much.

10.                        I am a very lucky woman to have the man that I have!

Apparently I have done something terribly wrong and upset God and the delicate balance of the universe.  It could just be a run of bad luck but it’s highly unlikely, I am sure I squashed an ant or something – or maybe it was that bird’s nest we moved in May.  Displacing the home of one of God’s creatures is surly not a desirable decision.  Anyway, it all started last Thursday.

I qualified for this market research study on snacks a few months ago.  It’s a really cool gig, you get paid a nice sum ($85 in this case) to sit around and give your opinion.  I was supposed to go in on Thursday the 17^th at 4:00 for the actual research part.  Only, if you are a math genius or you have a calendar you would know that this past Thursday was not the 17^th and furthermore that the 17^th doesn’t fall on a Thursday but rather this Tuesday.  So, strike one for me and my karma.

Sunday, national laundry day, I decide to throw in the placemats from last night’s dinner with our light colors and whites.  After all, I have washed them plenty of times and they are only a light tan color, not red or bright blue.  For all you color geniuses out there what do you get when you mix white and light brown – why nothing other than a creamy yellow, most closely resembling pit stains.  And no color on earth could be less appealing than pit stain yellow, other than skid mark brown I guess.

After my shocking, alarming and most annoying discovery I do the next logical thing.  I scream and yell at Chad, fighting back tears over my ruined tank tops, t-shirts and brand new white Capri pants.  Oh yeah, and some of his boy stuff too.  I scramble for some way to make this his fault, unfortunately he has a fail proof story – as in, he didn’t start the laundry or even divide the laundry.  He wasn’t even near the laundry.   It was ALL MY FAULT.  For a staunch perfectionist who hates stains and anything being dirty this was detrimental to my day, if not week.

 I spend the rest of day soaking in bleach, washing and rewashing – not myself but the clothing.  But to no avail, all of Chad’s new socks and underwear are still pit stain yellow and my beautiful white Capri pants are the same.  However, you will be glad to know that Chad’s old Mesquite Community College t-shirt with a giant hole in the armpit is good to go, along with his stretched out vintage Madden t-shirt that he mowed the lawn in that weekend.  Seriously, what did I do!

I cap off the weekend burning my hand on a pan fresh out of the oven (duh) and falling asleep with a big fat headache –while the dog strategically inches me off the bed to expand his kingdom in the middle.

P.S. I woke up at 4:00 AM unable to really go back to sleep, I had a dream about falling asleep in the mall and getting beat up by a gang of Brazilian hooligans (it could happen).

Oh dear, what a disappointment last night was.  We went to watch Indiana Jones with my sister, well, she went along with us mostly for the popcorn but whatever.  It started out ok, the middle was alright, but the end, the end was so ridiculously silly that poor Chad looked so sad.  Almost the way he looked walking IN to Maid of Honor (almost).  I won’t “ruin” it for anyone who has not seen it yet but, um, I don’t recommend it like I do Iron Man. 

On the upside Harrison Ford still looks young, to me anyway but his perpetual love interest (although not bad at all) looks old in comparison to him.  She probably hasn’t had as much work done as Mr. Ford.  Or maybe it’s Calista that keeps him young looking.  Anyhow, it received an overall rating of 7.2 from us, purely for nostalgia purposes.

So I thought to myself today, “You know, I should really share some of my favorites with my readers, both of them.”  I mean, I know everyone is just dying to know my favorite author, eye makeup, shampoo, and the list goes on.  Here goes, just a short list of the products and people I love, and why:

Favorite Self Tanner: Jergen’s Natural Glow, to be used in conjunction with outdoor tanning and possibly indoor (although I cannot recommend this).  Be careful of your ankles and fingers, rub it in very well otherwise in a few weeks people will be asking if you are the lead Umpa in the new Willy Wonka movie.  It’s a slow tan that builds over the days, and love the way it accentuates my natural color.

Favorite Jeans: Without a doubt Seven for All Mankind, although not all mankind can afford them they are a good investment for me.  Joe’s are my second choice and the reason – certain designer jeans fit me better than any other jeans on earth.  I need a 34” length and I don’t want the legs to be the size of a bendy straw.  Both brands carry an array of styles and designs and since I only buy 1-2 a year they are worth it!  HINT: If you hit up Nordstrom Rack every week you are bound to get lucky, they slash the prices in ½, but be ready to spend at least $79 even with the discount.

Favorite Foundation:  No, not a concrete slab I am talking makeup ladies.  I hate feeling heavy and “made up” so I use ID Bare Minerals foundation and powder.  They provide the perfect amount of coverage without making me feel like a beauty pageant contestant, “And I, um, definitely, um, would really, um, Africa, um, Oh crap.”  Also, you can wear just the powder to the pool without looking like “that girl” – you know, the one who puts on mascara and curls her hair and then screams when she gets splashed, again, AT THE POOL.

Favorite PJs:  PINK by Victoria’s Secret.  They are fun, cotton, loose, cute, and they mix and match well with one another.  And while they aren’t sexy lingerie they definitely aren’t fuddy duddy, you won’t catch your grandma in pants that say PINK right across her rear….unless Goldie Hawn is your grandmother.  Oh and since PINK is apparently sponsoring this season’s The Real World I am constantly pausing and screaming for Chad to come and look at the girls who are wearing exactly what I am!

(although I know it’s hard to see this is actually me in my PINK PJs, lounging all seductive like, since that’s what I do when I am at home and not modeling) 

Favorite Watch: For college graduation my Aunt and Uncle gave me the best watch I have ever owned.  It’s a Michele and I have worn it religiously for over 5 years.  It’s perfectly versatile, oversized but not gigantic and best of all it works really well.  My Uncle has a thing for watches so we searched high and low until we found one that I was in love with.  It looks just like this one, minus the diamond (maybe someday):

Favorite Author:  Other than Zig Ziglar, Jen Lancaster is my all time favorite writer right now (Anita Shreve is a close second but in a different way).  I have read all 3 of Jen’s books, beginning with Bitter Is the New Black, and I was lucky enough to meet her at Barnes and Noble last month for a book signing (Such a Pretty Fat is highlarious).  If you are a woman you need to read her book, and even if you aren’t a woman but would like to laugh your ass off – read it.  Purchase it at Barnes and Noble today or Amazon!

 More to come later on my favorites, this might be enough for now!

Uhhhh, it’s time to clean again.  Despite popular belief I do not LOVE to clean house.  However, when I am going to have company I do take extra care in the details – like baseboards, showers (don’t pretend you don’t pull back the curtain), all eye level surfaces (and we have tall friends and family so that’s a lot) and the floors.  Oh how the floors haunt me in my sleep.  Between the dog and the uh, well, DOG they are constantly a wreck (in my eyes anyway – Chad thinks I have unusually high standards).  If it’s not dog hair it’s dirt brought in from the dog.  And if it’s not dirt then the dog has used his knife like toenails to put a pretty rip in the “wood” floor.  I can’t forget the nice “accident” outline that remains after numerous scrubs, thanks Chewy.  All of these things are magnified in my head, I am quite aware of that thank you very much.  I almost forgot, we decided to purchase beige couches when we moved in, and our dog is black.  Hmmm, it doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out.  It’s not that we didn’t think about it, we did, but to heck with practicality we wanted beige!

Anyhow, I shall begin my deep clean tonight for the Father’s Day dinner we are hosting Saturday.  Plus my sister is spending the weekend with us so I have to make sure her room and bathroom are up to par – not that she cares, as long as she can go to bed at 8:00 and sleep ‘til noon she is happy!  Meanwhile, tonight as Chad sees me scrubbing away he will reluctantly (and with a deep lip pursing sigh) ask me what exactly HE is responsible for and when exactly he needs to be finished.  I will tell him, as I always do, the floors and the couches (as we must vacuum the dog hair off).  He will then amend that with, “That doesn’t include mopping does it?”  Since we mopped at least 12 weeks ago he would think it excessive and ridiculous to mop yet again.  I guess from 6 feet and 3 inches in the air, and with some possible eyesight issues brought on by being 30 and staring at a computer screen all day, he is the best judge of whether or not we should move the dirt around or not.  Right.  In response I will reply, “I’ll do it” with the same deep sigh and pursed lips.

The problem with mopping, which is my least favorite chore, is that I never feel like I have actually done any good.  In fact, I usually think it looks worse.  If only I could just hose everything down – dog included.

P.S. Just so you know we are definitely very NEAT all the time, no clutter, no countertop stacks of paper, etc. but eventually the dust bunnies threaten to come alive and eat the dog so we must concede and get out the Pledge.

Major offender of all things messy (in his fisherman costume from Halloween – not Chad, the dog)