Katastrophies & Other Important News

My big 10 year reunion is coming up.  I honestly care not to believe that it has been 10 years since I didn’t realize what responsibility really meant, or wrinkles.  They both were just distant entities that only old people talked about.  And now, sadly, I talk about BOTH and so much more.  I cared way too much about what other people thought - those were the days where I would barely leave the house without lipstick now people at work are lucky if I shower and brush my hair.  Many things have changed, some for the good and some well, some without my consent. 

The attire is cocktail for the dinner on Saturday night so as I always do before a big event I went shopping on-line first to scope out my options and plan my attack.  I went to Nordstrom, Banana Republic, White House Black Market and Neimans.  I think I decided I will hit Banana first.  And not just because they size things WAY too big….come on now, me and the rest of the women in America are not stupid.  We know that just because the size 4 at Banana is 2 sizes too big doesn’t mean we have shrunk to a size 2 in the last 36 hours.  I think it’s a very SMART marketing game that Banana plays, where they simply put a size 4 tag on all of their size 6s an so on and  so on.  Nonetheless, they sure do know women because I know I will never be horrified in the dressing room only slightly delighted when I have to ask the sweet sales girl or boy for a smaller size.  Teehee, women are so easy to please. 

Anyway, here are some of the dresses that DID NOT make the cut:

This poor child looks a bit like a misplaced ballerina.  This dress would look even MORE ridiculous on a normal human being with some percentage of body fat and maybe not legs the length of the Amazon.  No, no grown woman I know should wear this dress to any event.  Unless of course it is Halloween and they are a ballerina, in which case go for it but don’t forget the body glitter.

This is the THING these days, big blousy pregnancy friendly shirts and dresses.  Which is fine…if you are pregnant or even a little bloated but if I am spending $770 on anything it had better make me look 20 pounds lighter and 10 times more beautiful.  This, I am afraid, does not cut the mustard.  In fact, I think it might do better as a skirt, and maybe a spaghetti strap black tank or go all Sharon Stone and put a crisp Gap white dress shirt with it.  The plus side would be, if I bought this dress I would have to wear it every day to justify the cost and that would allow me to eat whatever I wanted!  Wahooo!  (I think I hear Chad banning me from this purchase right now.)

LOVE IT, the only problem is a bright yellow cocktail dress can only be worn once.  Or multiple times at different locations with different crowds…and no photographs.

Again, LOVE IT, but for $1,025 Chad would make me run errands in it, clean house in it, and I would have to put on leggings and a tank underneath and wear it to work for 6 months straight.  Something tells me that it might lose its luster after a while.  But it is GORGEOUS…..if I were rich I would buy it and then promptly cease all carbs and sugar for at least 6 weeks.  So perhaps it’s not quite worth all that trouble.

Um, no. NONONONONO.  Animal print, skin tight, plunging neckline.  Unless you are cat woman, a hooker or Carmen Electra this dress is NOT for you.  And at $1,030 I think that only a certain sect of the population could afford it anyway and that sect is either:

1. Very wealthy older women with no desire to torture themselves and others with this frock
2. Very pretty younger women with sugar daddies, drug habits and high school degrees (maybe)