Katastrophies & Other Important News

I have two new obsessions:

1.       Veggie Burgers by Morning Star Farms

2.      Annie’s Goddess Dressing (thanks HeatherBakes.com)

Last week I literally had veggie burgers SIX times, and this week once but that is only because this week I discovered the dressing.  I had it first with a salmon salad, then with a chicken salad and today I will dine on a chicken wrap with the Goddess dressing.  I am like that with music too, I find a song I like and then I play it 600 times until I don’t want to ever hear it again.  Perhaps it’s my obsessive compulsive personality, who knows.

Also, I have good news; Chad and I bought a house!  It’s almost official but our option period ends today and we came to an agreement with the sellers on a few things.  Here are some pictures for those of you who are nosy (which would totally be me if I didn’t know what it looked like):

 We have some work ahead of us in the next few weeks but we plan to move in at the end of September – just in time to host the HALLOWEEN party this year (with Krisi of course, because a Halloween party is not a party without Krisi’s scary touch – and decor).  So the stats on the home are: 4 bedroom, 3 full bath, dining, living, kitchen, utility room (the basics).  They just remodeled the master bath with beautiful tile and fixtures but for some reason they chose not to display those pics (booooo).  I am looking forward most to the pool and having my own office/arts and crafts room!

P.S. It’s in Frisco off of 121 and Hillcrest – but stop your whining already, it takes like 10 minutes longer than our current house and it’s way cooler….and the yard is totally intact unlike our current house.

Starting today I will be protesting the heat.  It’s 115 degrees outside and we are 4 days away from September.  I realize that we are in Texas, which lives by its own temperature rules, but I almost melted today and I only got out of my car twice for 5.3 minutes each time.  And can you believe that there were people EATING outside.  Um, first of all, NO.  Second of all, HECK NO.  I don’t want to stand outside much less sit there for 30 minutes eating food, which unless it was ice cubes ala mode, would make me even hotter (temperature wise, ‘cause you don’t get any hawter than I already am).  My point is this is ridiculous.  I wonder what it would be like to live somewhere that it wasn’t this hot????  Perhaps I will go on vacation to Canada.  And while I am there I can get up to date on all of my shots, check-ups and maybe even be prescribed a bonus bottle of Valium or something….all for $0.00 (including tax).  I just have to count on not falling ill and needing a transplant of any kind, that’s when I hear the FREE part of their healthcare system kicks you in the rear.

Anyway, enough about the global healthcare system.  There are way too many issues to solve in one blog. 

So yeah, to add insult to injury I am sure the Gap and all of the other chain retail stores have already put out their knee length tweed skirts, leather coats, and boots.  So that we can be all FALLish while sweating our a$$es off.  I could always pair a scarf with a tank top, like they do in LA but that’s just not my thing and Chad would laugh at me (more than normal).  What about boots with my favorite patio dress from the summer?  Or a turtleneck and shorts?  Gahh, I guess it’s impossible to follow the seasons while living in Dallas.  Oh well, at least we can lay out until Thanksgiving….and you know all Texas girls are sun worshipers.  Most of us anyway.  No self respecting Texas girl doesn’t have age spots and leathery shoulders by age 35.  And as a coworker so geniusly pointed out even if our faces are smooth and sun free our chests are bright red, wrinkly and full of brown spots.  I guess we all just figured that by the time they looked really bad we would be old enough where nobody wanted to see our chests anyway.

Example A:

(This is me in 10 years, sorry Chad, it’s too late now!)

The countdown has begun.  Today, Wednesday August 27^th at 5:20 PM, marks 45 hours and 20 minutes until the first Fantasy Football draft of the season (assuming the boys start on time, which they won’t).  This means I have approximately 40 hours left to obtain any kind of attention from my husband, for the next 5 months (I included time post FF season to discuss every single play, trade and dramatic event since sh*t talk is an important factor of the FF tradition).  So I figure I had better start deciding what I want to do with my time.  Last season I did a lot of house related items, which might still be happening this season since we are moving yet again….hey WAIT A MINUTE.  I wonder if this whole “yard falling off the side of the earth” thing was just a ploy so that we could be in a brand new home come football season and I would stay busy and not bug Chad.  Hmmm, not sure if Chad is that thought out but it sure seems fishy if you ask me.  Perhaps I should check the yard for species of moles not characteristic of Carrollton, Texas.

I also watched A LOT of girly movies and HGTV last season, that was nice.  I would change out a load of laundry, watch my movie, fold, eat some Jelly Bellies, start a new load, fold the next, watch my movie….ok so you get the point, it was a riveting Sunday.  All the while Chad would run down at half times (I say plural because he watches ALL the games) to restock his supplies like Coke (the soda folks not the drug, we have a PG lifestyle), donuts, chips, a hot pocket every now and again and probably some runts and/or Sweet Tarts (yes, his metabolism pisses me off on a regular basis).  If I was lucky I would be the victim of a run-by-kissing but only if there was enough time.

This season, at least until November I can lay by the pool, that’s nice.  And I can still watch my girly movies and be inspired by HGTV to do artsy crafty things for my home.  But perhaps I should find a more worth while endeavor like, you know, something for the greater good.  No, not plastic surgery.  Something where I actually give of my time to people less fortunate, and I guess Chewy and Chad don’t count although since they aren’t me I would have to say they are less fortunate (teehee).  If you can think of something that might be good let me know!  Here is some of my criteria:

1.     Must be no more than 10 minutes away

2.    Must not require me to dress any different than I normally would on a Sunday (which means sweats and no makeup)

3.     Must not be physically exerting – so teaching free jazzercise classes at the Oak Cliff YMCA is out

4.    Must be fun

5.     Must make me feel good about myself

6.    Must make me be grateful for my life

7.     Must NOT cause me to contemplate the meaning of life or anything remotely deep

So far HGTV, girly movies, shopping and arts and crafts fit nicely into 1-7 so perhaps I should just stick with what I know and leave all the do gooder stuff to Obama and the rest of the Democratic party.

I came home today to find Chewy watching the Democratic Convention.  I should have known.  He waits until I get home to eat, begging me for food and pushing his bowl around like I owe it to him.  Yeah, I am pretty sure he is a Democrat, which explains a lot.  He stands at the door waiting for me to open it, rather than asking me to put in a doggie door (which would make it easier for him to help himself to the lush green grass).  Anyway, it’s pretty funny to watch Bill look all surprised and moved by Hillary’s speech as if he hasn’t heard it 25 times in front of the mirror….or on second thought maybe he hasn’t, maybe that’s not one of the common areas of their home/political façade.  Ahh if only the Democrat’s ideals could be a reality, while the Republican’s were not limited in their ability to make oodles of money.  What a wonderful world that would be. 

So what is your dog?  I want a Republican dog next.  She (because it will be a she) will take herself on walks, feed herself, poop where I won’t step in it and if I do create some cover up so as to blame the Democrat dog next door.  She will also probably begin judging me and making suggestions on my moral decisions.  Hmmm, on second thought can’t I just get an Independent dog?  That would be easier.  Then I could do whatever I wanted because there are no rules!

What I learned at the grocery store this week:

1.       You should never ask an eight year old for advice on what type of beer to buy, especially in the grocery store where everyone can hear.  It just looks bad.

2.      Who are these women that arrive at the grocery store at 5:00 with their workout gear on (having just finished up at the gym)?  I prefer to think they are ladies that lunch and have no kids, no job and lots of time and money.  However, in reality I am sure they have 3 kids, successful CEO jobs and simply arose at 4:00 AM to start work early so that they could workout in the afternoon and be done in time to go to the grocery store before picking the kids up from Mensa practice.  I am not bitter just jealous….well, maybe a little bitter.

3.      When you circle the cheese display 5 times while talking to your BFF on the phone, the guy at the meat counter begins to stare and wonder if you have a slight obsession with Parmesan.

4.      It’s not nice to block the plastic bags in the produce section, just remember that there may be others who want the organic red onions so get your bag and move out of the way.

5.      I think it’s funny that the contraceptives aisle is right next to the chips and wine aisle. 

P.S. This has nothing to do with the grocery store but let it be known that Chad refused to allow me creative writing time on the computer last night because he was playing poker on-line.  He did offer me the option to type in between hands but it’s sort of hard to concentrate when every 2 minutes you hear that annoying “check” computer noise.  “The sunlight poured in to the chaetae as blue birds sad idly waiting for….CHECK CHECK, BEBAY let me on I have pocket ACES, forget your stupid story.”  So it’s all Chad’s fault if my writing career never takes off!

Last night after veggie burger tacos – a nice healthy rendition of Tin Star’s cheeseburger tacos I settled down for The Hills.  As usual I had to watch the last episode first because I have no patience and even though I just saw it 8 days ago that’s totally inconsequential.  The Hills is like Lord of the Rings, every time you watch it you pick up on something new….and I am pretty sure Spencer was a Hobbit in another life.  Sure enough I caught Heidi making a super observant comparison about how her sister was an “early bird” while she and Spencer were “late birds.”  Late birds?  Really.  There is no such saying and it doesn’t even make sense.  The EARLY bird catches the worm, we are EARLY birds, up with the BIRDS – all acceptable bird references.  But birds don’t wake up late, they just don’t Heidi so think it through the next time.

Anywho!  This week was especially humorous, starting with Stephanie Pratt’s birthday dress.  Did anyone else think it looked like an Alice in Wonderland nighty?  (see what I mean)

Stephanie is one of those girls that looks good from afar, and has all the parts to look cute but somehow usually disappoints. 

But Stephanie wasn’t the only Pratt making me laugh, oh no.  Leave it to Spencer to enlighten you politically as he compared the feud between him and Lauren to the never ending battle between Iran and Israel.  That’s right Spencer Lauren’s anger toward you for talking about a sex tape of hers is definitely comparable to centuries of war and religiously fueled hatred.  Seriously.  Not OK.

I thought it was funny that Brody took at stand at the birthday when Spencer and Heidi showed up stating that he didn’t want the drama and he was leaving.  Oh Brody, nobody believes you.  If you really didn’t want the drama you wouldn’t have elected to be on this show so take your tough stance on NO MORE DRAMA somewhere else….perhaps you and Kim can talk it out over coffee.

So that about covers it, only so much can happen in 30 minutes but I might pick up on more next week when I watch this episode again!

P.S. Is Kelly Cutrone really a bitch or is it just for the cameras?  How can someone in the fashion industry wear such little makeup, and for goodness sakes put on a shirt of color for once.  Between the black hair, black shirts and no makeup you are making a serious case for yourself as Marilyn Manson’s girlfriend.

P.P.S.  MTV’s new EXILED show about former Sweet 16 girls is really uber lame.  Come on MTV, you can do better than that.

Yesterday the Girls (Gigi, Erica, Beth & Courtney) and I went to Denton for Alpha Phi’s Bid Day.  Bid Day is a special time when the cute little freshmen girls find their sorority home and embrace their new sisters and settle in for life long friendship….or at the very least 4-5 years of fun parties, drunken nights and cute boys.  Mostly I just wanted to get together with my Girls, check out the sorority house (which they DID NOT have when we were in school) and maybe have an afternoon cocktail at our favorite old haunt (don’t judge me).  The house was pretty sweet, so much better than what we had.  Our “house” was nothing more than a broken down Motel 6 with low ceilings, bad lighting, and lead paint.  I KNEW there was a reason it took me 5 years to graduate!  And it wasn’t just us all the sororities had to reside in such a place….while the fraternities were free to build their party mansions, SO WRONG.  Enough of my bitterness though. 

I am not usually around the 18-23 crowd anymore, and certainly not in groups of 75 so I did the best I could to observe their dress, their behavior and you know, anything else that would allow me to judge them….I mean love them (I mean judge).  Here is what I learned:

·        Apparently cowboy boots paired with shorts or skirts are the new thing.  And boat shoes too.  I had NO CLUE, I feel so un-cool, I must go out today and immediately rectify the situation.

·        Dues are expensive and I am not sure I could afford the sorority even now, how on earth did I afford it before?

·        I was never really committed as I did not go so far as to tattoo a sorority symbol on my wrist, foot or stomach.

·        Pictures really do live on forever – there are four too many composite pictures with me in them, looking all kinds of wrong.

·        While it would be nice to be young I am glad I am not in college anymore. 

I asked Chad if he would mind if I were to become house mom, pointing out that it was rent free but that he wouldn’t be allowed.  He just sort of looked at me and no words came out of his mouth.  So I am taking that as a MAYBE.

One thing that would drive me CRAZY is that I bet there is clutter and messes all the time.  I bet there is never complete organization and neatness in a house with 15 women and countless visitors.  UHHH, that would put me over the edge, I would be known as the bitchy mean sister who couldn’t relax.  Oh wait, I already am, except it’s more like bitchy mean wife, friend, niece….you get the point.  But seriously how does someone with OCD maintain sanity in a house with that many people?  I would have to set my alarm for the middle of the night just to wake up and straighten.  Yeah, I think it’s safe to say that I should stay in my house with my husband and dog and just try to contain their messes.  And that perhaps I shouldn’t become a house mom and move back to Denton.  I am too old my bedtime of 9:00 would no doubt make me the LEAST fun girl in the sorority.  But they can just wait until they are 28ish and have to work everyday and calling in to say that you are hung over becomes a ridiculous excuse (that will get you fired) and you can’t just find someone to cover your shift and there may not be another job out there that’s just as good because while there is a Chilis on every corner there is not a corporation like the one you work for.

I’m just sayin, it will happen to them…eventually.

 Residents in over 15 counties spread across California, Texas and Arizona have reported an unusually high amount of side braids.  Reports flooded various news stations on Monday August 18^th at around 10:00, 9:00 central.  Eye witnesses claim that the side braids were usually paired with oversized sunglasses, a large “hobo” style bag and sometimes, but not always, a blousy yet trendy top.  Channel 5 in Laguna Beach, California cornered one such side braid sporter, here is what she said: “Like, um, well, it’s just, like, um, (insert blank stare), wait, what was the question again….oh, oh, I can see my reflection in your sunglasses, aren’t I pretty?”  Channel 5 reporters said a conclusive interview was not able to be provided as the interviewee soon became distracted by shiny things, their own reflection and various other elements.

P.S. For those of you NOT watching The Hills (both of you) this is a Hills reference and just for your information I will be sporting the side braid tonight.

I can’t believe I didn’t include this in my last post but there is one more event that men are SURE to gather for: Bachelor Parties.  DUH, what was I thinking.  And here are 5 things that men are sure NOT to gather for:

1.  Family parties in general

2. Friend’s kid’s birthday parties

3. Baby births (other than maybe their own kids)

4. Grand openings of major department stores (this list only applies to straight men)

5. Awards ceremonies (Fantasy Football awards not included, of course)

There are 4 reasons why men in the same social circle might all gather in one place:

1.     Poker Games

2.     Weddings

3.     Funerals (optional)

4.     Fantasy Football

So you can see that the list is short and quite frankly I am not even that confident about number 2 and 3….but oh number 4, yeah that’s the kicker (haha, football reference).  You know it’s almost football season when the temperatures in Texas dip below 99, almost time to break out my 49ers Sweatshirt.  Another tell tail sign – the number of phone calls and texts that my husband receives increases by about 107.5%.  I try not to roll my eyes and release the heavy sighs deep within but sometimes they just pop out.  And then I get to hear the “When you met me I loved football” speech.  Yeah, yeah, well when we met I used to shave my legs every day (even in the winter) so things change, whatever.  I really can’t think of anything more completely intelligent to say about Fantasy Football but I am confident that as the season progresses there will many, many, many, many more FF related posts.  It’s just unavoidable. 

P.S. I will honestly say that I don’t HATE football or FF and I am glad that Chad truly enjoys it but around the end of November my patience and “loving wife” bit begins to wear thin.  However, there are two bonuses:

1.     Dunken Donuts’ coffee every Sunday morning (coffee for me, donuts for him (darn his overactive metabolism))

2.     The winnings (although I don’t want to jinx us this year I have become accustom to a January shopping spree…..so Eric I encourage you to draft Troy Aikman this year, he’s a great quarter back and we all know how you feel about quarter backs).