Katastrophies & Other Important News

If you are a dedicated reader of my column (ok, it’s a blog not a column but a girl can dream) you know that I only concern myself with the most intelligent TV programs like those featured on the History Channel, Discovery and PBS.  Oh wait, I meant MTV, TLC, E, and Bravo.  Never mind I was confused, I must have been talking about my friend Erica, who loves history (love you Erica, and you had better start reading my blog more than once a week or I will mention your name in this light again).  So of course I have watched all of the Real Housewives seasons – Orange County, New York and now Atlanta.  You know, because when you think rich, classy and elite you think Atlanta.  Not so much and the new season only further proves my point.

Obviously I live in Texas so I have no room to talk.  I mean, there is expensive (think Coach and 7 Jeans) and then there is OUTRAGEOS (think Oscar De La Renta and the Hermes Birkin bag).  I would say Dallas is more Coach and Seven and New York is more Oscar and Birkin.  Orange County is plastic and sunglasses but Atlanta seems to be more wine and cigarettes.  OH wait, those aren’t brand names, but still completely accurate.  So far I am impressed with one housewife, just one.  WARNING: If you don’t watch the show you won’t get it so you have my permission to tune out.  And I am about to get really caddy, teehee.

Deshawn in purple in the front, Lisa front and center in peach, Nene is grey, Sheree in tan, and how could you miss Kim in bubble gum pink.

Kim: 

Take a long hard look at the picture. I am just not 100% she is even a houseWIFE, I think she may favor a househusband.  The girl is tacky from head to toe with her bleach blonde cascading wig-worthy locks, diamond encrusted jeans, shoes, necklaces, hair bands….the list goes on the more bling the better.  But that’s not so bad.  It’s more the constant smoking (in the house) and the drinking.  I am pretty sure that she celebrates every hour and ½ hour of the day.  And she wants to be a country singer, she almost has everything ready to succeed:

1.    Promotional photo shoots CHECK

2.   Album cover photo CHECK

3.   The look CHECK

4.   Southern heritage CHECK

5.   A boyfriend named Big Daddy CHECK

6.   Great voice X

7.   Writing ability X

Ok so she only has a few left to complete until she is the next Faith Hill!

Lisa:

Lisa I like.  She is a business woman, beautiful, funny, smart, doesn’t mooch off of her football player husband, and from what I can tell she stays out of the drama.

Deshawn: Poor Deshawn.  She is sweet but maybe just not the smartest wife in the bunch.  She has a really good non-profit for young girls but doesn’t really have a clue as to how to run it or how to hold fundraisers or any of that hard stuff.  So I will leave her alone because I think she is well meaning.  EXCEPT she does talk an awful lot about her “STAFF” and how important it is for her to have a fully STAFFED estate and how she needs an estate manager so she only has to talk to them and none of the other STAFF.  Whew, with all that STAFF one is bound to get a STAFF infection; and nobody wants to see that.

Nene: Oh heavens, she is by far the most amusing.  She cracks me up on a regular basis.  But she is the center of all drama and obviously thrives on it.  You can tell they have money – but not the same kind of money as say Lisa or Sheree.  And maybe not so much class either, but hey who am I to judge I eat Lean Cuisines for dinner and drink $4 wine from Sprouts so I hardly consider myself the authority on class.

Sheree:  Sheree is beautiful and strong and high maintenance.  She is in the middle of a long divorce from her pro athlete husband because as she says she wants a “lump sum”.  She also likes to think that people are jealous of her because of all her success.  WAIT JUST A MINUTE SHEREE.  Success, in my mind, is something you have accomplished (you know, yourself). I hardly consider marrying rich and taking your husband for all he has so you can maintain your lifestyle success….no, that’s just the American way like apple pie or BBQs. 

So you should watch the show – or if you would rather watch the third installment of Queen Elizabeth go right ahead but you already know what happens.  Geez that’s why they call it history, because it has already happened.  Which is sort of like NFL Replay only re-watching plays from your favorite players in their hay day is like having lunch with an old friend – so delightful and heart-warming.

Every election year brings about heated debates regarding what’s right, what’s wrong and that special place known as the gray area.  Morals and ethics are funny because they seem to vary from person to person, party to party (and not the kind with a keg stand the kind with donkeys and elephants as their mascots) and religion to religion.  The hot topic these days is that, well, there is no right and wrong or that the only right is that there is no wrong.  Wait what?  That’s sort of confusing. 

Let me illustrate my point.  Say you get hired at a new job.  You are super pumped, can’t wait to get started!  Ok, so what’s expected of you, what are the rules, where is the handbook, where is your office, is coffee free, are all holidays observed, who do you report to, which way do you put the paper on the fax machine and the list goes on.  Pretend nobody tells you.  You aren’t even sure what time you are expected in each day.  So you show up at 9:00, drink the coffee all day long, take ALL the religious holidays (even those that aren’t your religion) and you fax very important documents how you THINK they should go (face up, face down, who’s really keeping track).  A month later you get fired and receive an invoice for $90 in coffee fees.  WHAT?  Excuse me.  How were you supposed to know!  There was no handbook, no rules, no guidelines, nobody told you what you could and could not do, so you just did what you thought was right.

And that’s the problem with gray area, it doesn’t really exist.  It’s something invented by people that don’t want to be accountable.  But the truth is, everyone is accountable to someone and that someone has rules, ideals, codes, etc.  When we don’t know what’s right and wrong we do what we think is best.  And while this might be ok for some (like God and Mother Teresa) there are others that I would rather NOT do what they think is best – if you watch reality TV or the news I think you might agree with me.

If you wonder why the world is so messed up all you have to do is look at the most popular moral code….oh wait, there isn’t one, and that’s the problem.  If I do say so myself, and I do.

P.S. Again, which way is north?  Last I checked there is only one true north and if your compass says otherwise you need a new compass, one that hasn’t had a moral bypass.

Yesterday officially began the birthday celebrations.  Gigi and I headed to lunch and then to the mall for some much needed “it’s my birthday dang it” relaxation time.  Sophia picked out a HAWT Puma running suit to match her shoes and she totally lucked out at Gymboree too, LUCKY.  Gigi and I found some very affordable dresses for Mexico, made in China no doubt, and bought in Lewisville, TX.  Oh what a world we live in when you can have a cultural experience just buying cheap clothing.

Last night I watched Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, it was a snoozer for sure, just not that interesting.  But we also watched Entourage, which is always exciting and hilarious and highly inappropriate most of the time.  Oh and of course I watched my new favorite show True Blood.  Does anyone else watch this?  I mean seriously, it’s so addicting.  The premise is very unique and the script is pretty dang smart.  And not smart like CSI smart, where every week is the same story basically with different guest stars, smart as in different, witty, funny, odd, shocking and challenging.  Wait a minute, now I know why I like the show so much….it reminds me of ME!  Humility always has been my strength.  Anyway, I need someone to gossip with about my new show so please if you have HBO tune in on Sunday night and let me know!

Hey good news for all of you decorating drones like myself – Pottery Barn put their Halloween décor on sale finally.  Buying popular chain store goods makes me feel all warm and cozy inside, like I am contributing to shameless consumerism…..as a good American should be.

This is the basic design of what I purchased only it was on 4 small votives and cocktail napkins.

It has been a few days since I posted and I know everyone is DYING to know what has been going on in my extremely exciting life.  Last night Chad and I watched two movies (we rented 5 for our exciting weekend ahead) The Strangers (Liv Tyler and Scott Foley) and The Incredible Hulk (Liv Tyler and Ed Norton).  We don’t necessarily have a thing for Liv she just so happened to be in both.  For scary suspenseful movies I would give The Strangers an 8, it made me scream multiple times and it was pretty erie.  I am in constant search of scary movies worth their salt but I am usually disappointed.  The Hulk was great, just what I expected and as far as Marvel Comic movies go I would give it an 8 ½.  I liked Iron Man better because it was so witty (just like me, haha, shameless self promotion is my specialty).

So let’s see other than that we have a whole bunch of…..NOTHING lined up for the rest of the weekend.  And despite my need to socialize and get out and do things I suppose it’s best since the next two weekends are going to be packed full of stuff: next weekend is the Halloween party and the next weekend we will be in Cancun (wahooo).

Last night I made oven fried chicken for the first time and although I did not take pictures (because, duh, I would then have to upload and save and then post) it looked just like this:

It was very tasty and I paired it with asparagus and salad.  I enjoyed a sweet wine with my meal, much like a Riesling but actually a Moscato, and Chad, well, he drank Coke out of a can (darn him for ruining my vision of a perfectly civilized meal).  My grandmother used to have this rule about no canned beverages at the dinner table.  As a youngster I thought this was silly and made no sense but now as a completely obsessive compulsive adult who is on the constant hunt for perfection I can totally see her point.  Nothing ruins a beautiful table setting like a brightly colored aluminum can.  Oh well, it was just us and the dog anyhow.

P.S. For those of you keeping count my birthday is in 8 days!  And for those of you aren’t keeping count, now would be a good time to start!  Geez, get with the program people.

It has been 3 weeks since we moved into the new house.  But it feels like months already.  I have been so busy organizing, acquiring odds and ends and Chad has been completely occupied assembling furniture and taking out the trash (there seems to be an abnormal amount).  Finally, I think we are basically done, for now…until my bank account can recover.  Of course in my mind this was just phase one and phase two has yet to be even sketched out.  But I dare not mention my maniacal plan to Chad, he might freak.  Especially considering the no good, terrible, horrible, awful sports day he had yesterday.  I shan’t go into detail but let’s just say football and baseball had it out for my poor husband yesterday.  Luckily there are only about 11 more weeks of fantasy football left to screw with Chad’s emotional well being, and therefore mine as well. 

Tonight I am looking forward to a new episode of The Hills.  Speaking of, has anyone seen Audrina’s photo shoot for Maxim?  I saw it on E News yesterday and I have to say this only confirms what I have suspected for some time now, that girl has had some work done.  I don’t remember her being so, um, well, ample at the beginning of the show.   But how did she fly under the radar when Heidi basically put out a press release and advertised on the Good Year blimp that she had work done?  One will never know, but the way Miss Audrina is headed she is one cancelled season away from donning bunny ears and being Hugh Hefner’s celebrity guest of honor at some slutty PJ party.  At the very worst she will be lying across the hood of a drop top blue truck with shiny rims on the cover of Low Rider magazine.  I’m just saying, it could definitely happen. 

P.S. Since everything in the house is sort of done I have all this pent up energy and a need to decorate, organize and make things pretty…..what to do!

The unthinkable has happened.  I received a phone call from…….(drum roll)…..Walmart.com!  Well, the actual website didn’t call me (eeks) but an agent, whom I had been conversing with prior about the arrival of my order, did.  You see, after my bad experience yesterday (reference the Dear Walmart Poem) I came home to find an e-mail from the agent just checking to be sure that I had picked up my order (nice touch).  So I sent her a detailed account of the goings ons of my visit to the store at Montfort.  Today my phone rang and I was more than surprised to find out that it was Walmart – RESPONDING to my e-mail.  The agent verified what happened and then asked what she could do to make it better.  Well, hmmmm, let’s see.  Basically I want my lamps, I don’t want to pay shipping and I don’t want to go through the whole order process again on the website.  Wouldn’t you just know it that she could do ALL of those things for me, and I didn’t even have to give her my credit card again.

So you see, everybody wins…except Chad because he loves our existing lamps and can’t fathom why I would want new ones.  Being that our business is in the business of customer service training (among other things) and because I was a customer service agent and because quite frankly EVERY person in business or the world has to consider customer service I have prepared a short list of customer service tips, truths and lessons:

1.      Take time to LISTEN to the customer vent, don’t interrupt and get defensive.

2.     If you messed up, apologize and go above and beyond.

3.     Give the customer choices, nobody likes to feel cornered even if it’s not the ideal situation.

4.     The customer may not always be right but they are always the customer (I totally stole this from some of our content but today, on this blog it’s all mine and I am taking credit).

5.     Some people will always be unhappy and dissatisfied, as a customer service specialist you need to come to terms with that right away.

6.     You can turn a bad customer experience into a customer testimonial if you play your cards right (example A would be me and Walmart, hello).

7.     One bad customer experience will outlive and override 5 good experiences….and the story will get told 10 times more to friends, family and blog readers (so beware).

8.     Don’t mess with people’s money, they tend to get really ticked when your company messes up regarding their credit card, check or cash.

9.     Usually when one thing goes wrong with an account 5 more things soon follow, it’s the domino effect.

10.                        Customer service jobs are HARD and usually not that fun so if you are a dissatisfied customer remember that being calm, polite (yet firm), and courteous will get you a lot further than screaming, cussing and belittling people…oh yeah, and usually the person you talk to had NOTHING to do with your issue….and they are still PEOPLE so be kind or it will come back to haunt you.

That’s the lesson of the day – now off to go enjoy a game night with friends.

P.S. I am so pleased that Walmart redeemed themselves because in this tough economy I do not have the luxury of snubbing giant discount superstores.

Is it bad to have visited a certain craft store 5 days in a row?  In theory of course.  Ok, not in theory, in reality, my reality.  Last night was my FINAL trip of the week to JoAnns.  Each time I have gone for something legit and affordable (i.e. glue sticks, braided rope for my couch recovering project, etc.) and walked out with at least one Halloween décor item.  Yesterday it was a yard sign, I couldn’t help myself because everything is 50% off.  Chad noticed this one.  I told him I found it at work, and that it was free, but I couldn’t keep up the lies so about 2.2 minutes later I told him I was kidding (somehow he already knew).

This Saturday we are having the fam over for dinner.  I think I will plan some sort of Mexican fiesta with fajitas and guacamole. I found this yummy recipe for grilled shrimp and chicken in my William Sonoma Grilling cookbook (thanks Chad and Kelli B.).  It turns out that I use my cookbooks that we received as wedding gifts way more than the lingerie, possibly much to Chad’s dismay….or maybe not, he does enjoy a good meal!  At 18 I never thought I would be that wife that cooked and cleaned and organized, not because Chad expects it but because I want to or feel the need to.  I guess much has changed in almost 11 years (eeks).  Which reminds me, someone has a birthday coming up……………….IT’S ME IT’S ME!!!!  Oh yeah, and Gigi, Jessica, and my grandpa also have November birthdays.  But mine is the 2^nd so it gets top billing for now.

Chad gives me the hardest time about my birthday.  For guys they could care less and actually prefer that you totally forget the day they were born.  For girls – we want tiaras, dinners, gifts, flowers, and tons of attention.  After all, it’s our SPECIAL day!  Why can’t Chad just be OK with showering me with love, gifts and attention for my birthday and I, in return, will completely ignore him on his?  Seems fair.  At any rate for those of you already formulating your Katherine Lemons Birthday Shopping List here are just a few ideas, ten to be exact:

1.       Botox (oh the joys of being 29)

2.      Body wrap (before Cancun please)

3.      Massages (professional only none of those ½ a$$ rub, rub and then I am done massages)

4.      Wine (not whine, I have plenty of that already)

5.      $1,000 (in small bills please)

6.      Jelly Bellies (sour cherry and watermelon only please, you may have to travel to your nearest super Target)

7.      Fat and calorie free cup cakes (if you really love you will make it happen)

8.      House cleaning (not as in exorcist style, as in please dust the base boards and blinds style…and don’t forget to clean the toilets)

9.      Dog training for the elderly (I think Chewy is technically elderly now, oh and slightly chubby but don’t say anything he gets all depressed and won’t eat anything but grass for a week)

10. Gucci handbag (you know, if you happen to be out and see one that looks like me, which they ALL do, and it’s on sale for under $2,000 just go ahead and get it and take comfort in knowing that I will love it no matter what)

Gosh, that’s really all I can think of.  I know that 10 items isn’t much for you to go on but do your best.  After all, it’s the thought that counts – and if your thought happens to stink then include a gift receipt and then it’s the thought “that I may not like your taste” that counts.

Dear Walmart,

Today I experienced your site to store

Which I won’t be using anymore

Your service was amazingly bad

And I walked away oh so sad

I ordered some lamps three weeks ago

And began to worry when they didn’t show

I got an e-mail saying they were here!

But something inside said there was reason to fear

I took my lunch to go check it out

And now 2 hours later all I can do is pout

I waited for 45 minutes to hear

That one of my lamps had up and disappeared

My choices were slim

I had to order them again?

That doesn’t seem right

I wanted to fight

Your poor customer service gave the chance to bail

So I returned my whole order, take that and stick in the mail

You couldn’t have handled it any worse

And now you can’t have anymore of my purse.

Let’s start with pictures, as promised.  Here are some photos of my Halloween decor and the arts and crafts projects I have been working on the last few weeks (and my new office):

Sparkly pumpkins, the best kind!  This is the dining room BTW.

Scary sculls painted by the famous Katherine Lemons, inspired by the equally famous Pottery Barn.  Notice the newly painted white mantle, one of Sunday’s many projects.

Can you see my stacked pumpkins, and by stacked I am not referring to anyone’s chest size but rather the pumpkins are actually stacked one on top of the other.  And my Beware sign…it should say Beware of Decorating Wives but I couldn’t find that at JoAnns.

And the chairs, notice that I took the extra fabric and made matchy matchy napkins…which will never actually be used simply displayed (sort of like the 2 tons of lingerie I got from my bachelorette party).

Here is an up close shot of the chairs, notice the craftsmanship – not just anyone can use a staple gun you know, it takes skillz.

For good measure I thought a picture of the dog would be appropriate.  He matches my black and white theme in my office as well as the Halloween decor.  He sort of clashes with the living room and kitchen but I guess I will allow it, I will just put him away when guests come over.  (JUST KIDDING, he would be really ticked he would probably knock the door down.)

BEFORE (sorry it’s not frontal but I remembered almost too late for the before shot)

AFTER – it’s still a work in progress but you get the idea.

New office desk, curtains and chair – HA take that man room!

In just under three weeks Chad and I will be joining a group of friends and heading to Cancun, Mexico.  I am super excited.  I have been to Mexico once for a family wedding but I was only about 10 and didn’t fully enjoy all that Mexico had to offer.  But I was able to witness a beer drinking donkey at the pyramid ruins…ah the joys of culture.  Anyhow, it is my life-long mission to search out the bluest and clearest waters in the world.  So far:

1.       Belize

2.      Honduras

3.      Cayman

4.      Hawaii

a.     Maui

b.     Oahu

5.      Cozy Mel (which I know is Mexico but we were only there for a few hours on a cruise and it was after a hurricane so everything was a mess)

6.      Holly Lake

7.      Lake Lewisville

8.      Lake Tahoe

9.      Lake Travis

Ok so I guess the lakes don’t even come close but Lake Tahoe was by far the most beautiful, then Travis then Holly Lake and last and definitely least Lake Lewisville.  Lake Lewisville is like redneck paradise.  I have enjoyed many a day at Sneaky Petes and I can vouch for the redneckness.  So far I think Belize and Cayman are the top two in terms of clear water.  Hawaii was actually disappointing in that area.  I am excited to see what Mexico has to offer, I just pray it’s not a stomach bug or Mexican jail.

The whole point of that was to say that due to my impending bikini time I decided to fast yesterday, alongside my Uncle Tom.  I haven’t really fasted before, on purpose.  I ate a nice lunch yesterday and had intended to go until dinner tonight.  However, things have not gone as planned.  Last night as I worked busily on organizing my office I may or may not have broken down and had a few hot tamales….and candy corns.  But candy isn’t food, right?  It got me through the night though!  This morning I had a few cups of java and then about 10:00 my stomach went, “GRRRRRRR, where is my food, what is going on, stop this nonsense right now!”  So I caved and fed it a few pieces of pineapple.  Well, nobody ever told me that my willpower inspired them and today is a perfect example of why!

P.S. Have I mentioned before how much I HATE downloading and uploading pictures.  I can barely remember to take the actual picture then I have to go to all the trouble of downloading, saving, then uploading one by one.  Can you imagine if I were born during the days when you had to stay still for hours just to get an image?  Or shoot, even the days when you had to take a roll of film down to the store and wait days for them to be ready???  Nahh, there would be NO record of me or my family if I had to go through all that just a simple entry in some book:  Katherine Lemons born 1922, married husband Chad who invented the first Fantasy Football league, rumored to have a dog named Chewy but no record can be found that he existed.  Said to have been funny but due to no available photographs we can only assume that she was ugly, hence the good personality and sense of humor.

Last night Chad assembled my IKEA desk.  There were approximately 584 parts and 510 of them were tiny nuts and bolts.  So you can imagine that Chad was super pumped.  Luckily one of our 5 TVs is in my new office so he was able to watch the Monday night game and put together my desk all at once (everybody wins, except the dog who was being somewhat ignored since I was very busy watching The Hills).  Here is the desk, which also goes with my shelving unit:

I am working on recovering my antique couch and when I am done I will post pics of those and my kitchen chairs that I recovered – and maybe my dining chairs that I did before we moved (with table cloth fabric from Ross , you can’t beat $16 for 6 chairs).  By the way it is MUCH harder recovering antique furniture than it is modern day.  Totally different tools and methods.  For instance my staple gun is useless against the antique.  The couch laughs in the face of my glue gun.  No, no, these advanced things will not do.  I have to use tiny, tiny upholstery tacks every ½ inch, and then when I am done with that I will have to adhere a braided piping along the entire edge.  This is a small couch but last night it was getting bigger by the minute.  I finally had to give up and go to bed because there was no way I was going to finish, it was already 11:00 PM (yes, that’s right, I was up after 9:30).  Anyway, it will be one of those super rewarding endeavors, or at least it better be.

Speaking of fabric.  When I was on my eternal hunt for cool fabric I looked at Crate and Barrel and Pottery Barn.  Hmmm, $79 a yard, and I need about 5 yards, gosh it doesn’t take a math genius to figure out that’s $400.  Yeah, $79 a yard is TOTALLY insane just like the other prices at these stores.  Instead I hit up JoAnns and found fabric for both my chairs and the couch – one for $9.99 a yard and the other for $12.49 (previously $24 but thank you Columbus for setting sail so that my local craft store could have a sale).  I also may or may not have picked up a few more Halloween décor items while I was there.  It was funny, Chad helped unload the groceries and I just whisked in two big pumpkin towers right there in front of him but all he could focus on was his pending fantasy football trade for Ladainian Tomlinson (a definite perk of FF is the distraction capability).

I will post some pics of our Halloween décor tomorrow, because I did some creative things last night with black and white paint!