Katastrophies & Other Important News

Chewy decided to help me work today, and by help I mean interrupt and distract.  Notice the half eaten bag of gummies on my desk, he thought for sure I wouldn’t notice him nosing around in them. He must have forgotten that he was ON MY LAP at the time so of course I was gonna catch him.  He is the best worst dog ever, so curios, bold, and sneaky.

No, this is not a blog about thongs, clear platform high heels or tassels so you can just get your mind out of the gutter right now (I am hurt that you would even think I would ever……well, not that hurt). 

Remember my blissful trip to Home Depot to purchase all of the goodies to refinish the banister?  Well, the bliss stopped there.  First of all neither Chad nor I could get the stripper open (teehee) so I had to take it back to HD where the official paint men decided a wrench would do the trick, so I left with the same stripper (hate that) and a new wrench (which I am pretty sure I will never use again).

Last night Chad tried to be the voice of reason, “You know, maybe you should wait until next weekend to start.”  But the well researched validated instructions from Joe Schmoe seemed so easy I was just certain I could get it all done.  So, ten things I learned about refinishing a banister:

1.    Prep work – 6 hours

2.   Actual staining – 15 minutes (ok, maybe longer than that but in comparison)

3.   Prep work – BAD

4.   Actual staining – rewarding

5.   Stripper – not quite as easy as the label indicated (teehee) but twice as messy (yuck)

6.   Stripper – can eat through latex (haha, oh the jokes are just endless), latex gloves that is

7.   Sanding – not fun, at all, in anyway

8.   Overall Process – will make you sore in places you wouldn’t expect, all that bending, reaching and painting

9.   Husband pointing out sizeable area that you somehow missed completely – totally annoying and creates misdirected anger towards husband

10.               Trying to finish in one regular week night – dumb, dumb, dumb unless of our course you normally stay up until 1:30 AM and get up at 6:00 AM (hey, I bet strippers have that schedule, since they are all working their way through school and all)

Despite all the trauma the outcome should be good, and I will have before and after pictures!

We are sort of on this home improvement kick.  There are phases when you move into a new home.  There are things you have to do right away (like scraping popcorn ceilings & painting), things you do as needed (like replacing sprinkler heads and chopping dead trees), things that you do as you can afford them (like replacing light fixtures) and then there are things that you do when you think you are competent enough (like refinishing a banister).  Mind you that “thinking” you are competent and actually being competent are two totally different things.

Today I decided that after my extensive research (meaning, Googling and choosing the first option) that I was ready to purchase the materials to properly refinish our wood banister.  So I headed boldly into Home Depot fully expecting to navigate each aisle aimlessly while searching for #2 grit sandpaper and semi gloss polyurethane.  However, much to my surprise there was a lovely man standing at the entrance with an official looking walkie talkie just waiting to help (most walkie talkies are official looking by the way unless they are in the hands of an 8 year old).  So I read my list to him and he instructed me on the correct aisle……then he “walkie talkied” his buddies that there was a customer in need of assistance.  By the time I arrived at the correct location there were two qualified gentlemen waiting with baited breath, not to mention the third that showed up in hopes of helping.  Anyhow, I was able to find everything on my list in a matter of minutes (15 to be exact).  It was amazing.  It was like I had a VIP pass at The Home Depot.  Never before have I felt so cared for.  Never before had there been anyone waiting at the door with a walkie talkie.  So I wonder what has changed?  It certainly isn’t me – I didn’t get any “enhancement” surgeries overnight or gain celebrity status so what could it be. 

I wonder if, in this tough economy, retailers and businesses everywhere are having to step up their game.  Hmm, could it be that a tight market makes for better customer service?  My guess is, probably.  If prices can’t set you apart (due to inflation) and if customers don’t have the kind of cash they had before then how else would Home Depot stand out from Lowes?  I know, I know – walkie talkies, and a 2 employee to 1 customer ratio – that’s how!  While I feel for those suffering from this stressful time I can’t help but enjoy the queen like service I am getting at retailers like Home Depot!

P.S. While my Internet research process for refinishing the banister seemed pretty easy it didn’t mention how long or tedious the whole prep process is – all that taping and putting down drop cloths, WHEWWW, it’s exhausting.

P.P.S. After starting dinner and enjoying a glass of wine my desire to attack that banister has diminished like 100%, not to mention the fact that American Idol and the Housewives of Orange County are both on tonight…..hmmm, so I might just un-tape and remove the drop cloth for another week.

Sometimes I get a bad rap because I like every surface of our home to be clean and clutter free but while I am pretty organized and tidy I am not a total freak.  I am NOT the person who labels everything (although if I didn’t have a job I might) nor do I have the secret to perfectly folded fitted sheets (I swear despite conflicting reports, it’s impossible).  But I do have my limit. 

Our closet is the only travesty of our beautiful home.  It is small and awkward with short angled walls and a giant Brinks security box that takes up a huge amount of room.  The previous owners took a stab at installing shelf organizers but I am afraid they failed miserably.  The shelves lean to one side and they couldn’t be more inconvenient if they tried (maybe SHE let HIM do the configuring which would explain everything).  Anyhow, for weeks now I have been cringing with each glance into our little tomb of a wardrobe.  The shoes scattered about, all of my tops hanging by a sleeve and poor Chad, his clothes are hung on the tip top rack, we even have one of those professional hooks they have at retail stores (you know, the ones that only the highly skilled employees are allowed to use because YOU being the shopper couldn’t possibly handle a poll with a hook you might take an eye out). 

Well, last night I said ENOUGH!  I decided that despite a very thorough clean out pre-move there were still items that I didn’t need, want or use.  Two giant trash bags later I realized I was right and that I have a very hard time saying to goodbye to certain things.  Especially things that were expensive, cute at one time, have only been worn once, or that someone gave to me as a gift.  BUT, alas, we live in a world of excess and I was one tank top away from having to rent a storage unit and that would simply be unacceptable.  The funny thing is when I was done even Chad (Mr. Minimalist) said, “So, like, um is this all of your clothes?  You must mix and match a lot.”  The key is buying basics with a few trendy pieces and unique jewelry; it can change your life and an outfit!

The moral of the story is this:  Just when you think you can’t part with another thing….you can, and should.  Stuff has a way of multiplying and taking over your life.  Whether you admit it or not a clutter free closet, desk, or room helps you lead a clutter free life….and without clutter there is so much more freedom and room to be creative, feel peace and just plain enjoy what you have.

Is this too much to ask for?

If you are one of my 10 avid readers you probably know that I have a lot of different workout programs, none of which involve actual exercise and especially not going to a gym. Most of them center around small, minor, low-impact movements about once or twice a month. For instance, my leg lifts and half crunches while riding the couch and watching reality TV programs. Not to mention my leg bouncing while sitting and watching a movie technique (sit, cross legs, bounce the top leg, and switch). It’s probably safe to say that I won’t be featured in Fitness or Self anytime soon, but then again why would I want to be photographed in a sports bra and yoga pants (um, I wouldn’t). Despite my lack of respect in the fitness community I think I have a new program that just might change that. I call it the Running Shoe Workout Program.

It all began yesterday when I was tooling around Nordstrom Rack on my lunch break. I wasn’t looking for anything special so I hit the shoe aisles and happened upon the fitness rack size 10 (please keep your jokes about giant feet to yourself, I am 5’9 if I wore a size 7 I might fall forward a lot and nobody wants to see that). Anyhow, I found the perfect pair which is rare because along with have a large foot it is also very narrow (at one time I was a AAA, which for those of you who have no idea what that means, it means skinny in shoe language). My feet were so narrow in high school that my poor mother searched the planet for narrow loafers because LUCKY ME I had to wear a uniform and that meant loafers too. While all the other girls sported the cool retro loafers with actual pennies stuck in them I slummed around in old lady Trotters that had support cushion (thank God they changed that rule before my Junior year and we could wear whatever footwear we wanted). Anyhow, I have totally digressed.

I have not bought athletic shoes since college, when New Balance were really cool so I figured I was due for some real walking/running shoes. I also figured that some new shoes would inspire me into action. The same way that high heels make you feel sexy running shoes make you feel sporty, and feeling sporty could potentially make me want to, you know, be active or something.

Today I tested my theory at work. It’s a remote office day so I figured why not show up in my Juicy running suit and new shoes. And let me just say, I can already tell the difference. I mean, I haven’t stepped on a scale yet or anything but I have been moving around the building more often because my feet feel so darn good, and there is a spring in my step due to the Nike air cushion. So far the Katherine Lemons Running Shoe Workout Program is working like a charm. Later, when I get home I might even sprint up the stairs once or twice, probably more like once, or maybe more like a light jog up the stairs, or a fast walk, or more realistically just a normal jaunt up the stairs. But I don’t want to over do it on my first day.

These are them by the way, the inspiration!

Since the purchase of the aforementioned bikini I have been thinking that it might be a good idea to get totally serious about healthy eating and yes, maybe even some form of exercise.    While the latter half of that objective is still in question I have been actively working towards the first half.  So for dinner last night I had a bowl of Fiber One cereal (I heart you F1), some unsalted peanuts in the shell (which of course I unshelled) and I was sipping on some Propel when Chad mentioned that he might go to Chick Fila.  Hmmm, really.  “Well, um, you know, I would split a shake with you if you wanted.”  He declined my offer and said he wanted his own so I too was forced to get my own.  In his absence I thought, “I can do it, I can have just a few sips or half and throw the rest away.”  If you are familiar with Chick Fila’s shakes you would know that this is just wishful thinking.  They are made with real ice cream, hand spun, and topped with the fluffiest whipped cream you have ever tasted…..I always think it’s funny when they ask, “Would you like whipped cream with that?”  I’m like, “Well, duh, I am already getting a milk shake I hardly think the topping is going to make or break me.”

Anyhow, Chad returned with the yummy goodness and we began watching American Idol.  After a few gulps it was like I forgot what I was drinking and slipped into a sugar coma where I didn’t even realize I was sucking down the entire thing.  Towards the end Chad offered to throw it away and with an evil snarl and slit eyes I angrily declined his offer.  Yes, I quickly finished the entire thing off.  BAD IDEA.

Do you know what DOESN’T go well with Fiber One and peanuts?  A giant chocolate shake, that’s what.  So I spent the rest of night feeling like I had a food baby (we watched a little bit of Juno last night) and like I was going to hurl.  I won’t say whether I did or didn’t, as that might be just too much information.  But do let this be a warning to you.  For what I am not sure, perhaps to stay away from milkshakes, or maybe to not think you are stronger than you are, or even still to think twice before mixing fiber and chocolate.  Who knows, all I know is that I should probably skip food of any kind today.

This is just bad news.

It’s official there has been a generational shift.  It happens every few years I suppose but now it is happening to me. 

So last night I was preparing to watch The City by watching filler TV.  Filler TV is shows that I don’t really watch or care about but use to pass the time until the real show comes on.  Sort of like dating guys you know you won’t marry because you are passing time until the right one comes along (and everyone needs to eat right, gahh).  I was flipping between some painfully awkward moments on Bromance and more painfully awkward moments on The Bachelor.  I haven’t watched a Bachelor episode in years but I used to be addicted, in fact, Chad and I used to watch it together while we were dating (when he still cared about impressing me).  You can imagine my horror as they were featuring each girl:

·        Samantha, 22, Sales Associate from Illinois

·        Katie, 23, Teacher from Minnesota

·        Becky, 24, Rocket Scientist from California

·        Amy, 25, Bartender from Kansas

·        Melinda, 26, Department Store Buyer from Winnipeg, Canada

You might be thinking, “What, what’s the big deal, I don’t get it.”  You don’t get it?  You don’t get that there was a time when I watched this very show and thought how old and dried up these girls were and now I am OLDER than all of them, AHHHHHHHHHH!  It’s awful, just awful.  Thank goodness I already found my man the nice normal way, at church (ok, that’s a lie, it was a bar but church sounds so much better and less trashy).

On a side note, Bromance is so horrible that it’s hard to turn off.  Poor Brody, no real skills and minimal amounts of fame for being…um, well wait, I am not really sure why he is slightly famous.  I would say it’s because he was involved with Lauren Conrad, but I don’t really know why she is famous either.  Or perhaps it’s because he is somewhat related to Kim Kardashian but, crap, she doesn’t really have a reason to be famous either.  Although, to her credit she did do Playboy and lots of women in Hollywood become famous that way so I suppose that she is legit now.  Well, no sense in pondering the imponderables.  Tonight it’s The Real Housewives of Orange County, more gossipy nonsense to make me happy!

P.S.  Is it just me or is Olivia’s cousin gay?  I thought it was a given and then last night she tells him “no girls at my apartment unless I approve” and I thought, wait a minute, that shouldn’t be a problem, right?  But maybe I misread the flippy hand movements, Robert Downey Jr. hair a-la Less Than Zero, tightish pants, lisp and frequent leg crossing.  Or not, and he is denial or it’s a cover up for the cameras and his undoubtedly conservative parents.  Either way, I couldn’t possibly be wrong.  Just ask Chad, it’s literally not possible.

So, I am driving to work this morning, it’s about 7:15.  For me 7:15 means that I haven’t had quite enough time to get all of the overnight mucus and phlegm completely out.  Not that I always have phlegm, just the past 6 weeks.    Oh crud, WARNING: This blog may include descriptive language and words that make your skin crawl.  So I am driving along looking forward to my Starbucks stop when it hits me – the mucus rises up in a cough and lands in my mouth…..what do I do, what do I do, where can it go.  Since I am not a 40 year old truck driver I refuse to roll my window down and project it onto the concrete.  So I do a super emergency scan of the contents of my car: scarf, 2 pairs of sunglasses, 3 Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons, pen, iPod, umbrella and 2 reusable green-approved bags for the grocery store.  WELL CRAP. I can’t spit in a green reusable bag, there are too many holes, the mess factor is too high.  DARN YOU going green.  In the good old days I would have 50 plastic bags on the floor of my car, just asking to be spit in.  Just when I think I will have to bite the bullet and swallow the phlegm….I see it, the great white hope.  A white plastic Tom Thumb bag left over from a lunch toted from home to work.  THANK YOU LORD!  Crisis avoided.  And I am able to toss the evidence as soon as I land at Starbucks.

Speaking of phlegm, I only have it because the weather keeps changing every 2 days.  Yesterday, I think I had an impromptu shopping trip that epitomizes the Texas weather.  I dropped by Old Navy to check on things and I spotted a cute scarf, and at $12.50 it was a no brainer.  Then, towards the back, I see that they have their swim suits out already.  OH come on Old Navy, that is just ridiculous, it’s January, even in Texas it’s still cold at least most of the time and quite frankly…….”Wait, is that a classic black bikini that ties at the hip with a flattering triangle top (the not too skimpy kind).  OMG, I must have it.”  And if you shop at Old Navy you know that you have to purchase their swimsuits when you see them otherwise you are left with two sizes: XXXXXXXL and XXXXXXXXS, of which I am neither.  So I walked proudly up to the counter with my scarf and bathing suit but I had to say SOMETHING just because it was the coldest day of the year thus far and there I was buying a bikini.  The young guy behind the counter said, “Well, you never know, you could wear it at Spring Break or something.”  Oh you sweet, sweet child, bless you.  So I replied, “Really, you mean they are giving Spring Break to working folk now, SWEET!”  He looked a bit embarrassed and just sort of mumbled, “oh, um, er, uh” to himself. 

So is that enough mention of phlegm and mucus for you?  I hope you aren’t reading this first thing, before you breakfast has had enough time to settle. 

P.S. I did think twice about posting such a descriptive blog, I mean, I hate to shatter any images of perfection that you may have of me.  But then I thought, you know what everyone has phlegm, it’s natural and a part of life and that’s what I write about – life (and shopping and reality shows).

P.P.S. Sorry for embarrassing you Chad (in this blog, not in general).

Yesterday was a big exciting day.  Ok, that’s a lie, but I will let you be the judge.  Got up and went to work (yeah me).  At lunch I needed to run to Walgreen’s, mostly to pick up one of those Vicks Vapor nose sticks.  It is this wonderful creation that looks like a short tampon and you just stick it up a nostril and immediately you are filled with the glorious vapors that help you breathe when you are all stopped up (please see pictures at the bottom).  The good news is I was able to purchase the cheaper Wal-stick instead – I love buying generic OTC drugs because it’s my way to fight the man.  And by “man” I mean the giant pharmaceutical companies that make millions off of my sore throat and congestion.  Because unless you live in a cave in Utah or are forced to wear long skirts and never cut your hair you would know that the generic brand is EXACTLY the same.  Now mind you, this is only true for OTC meds, and not jeans, shoes or purses (the important things in life).  Because I would much rather sport Wranglers from Wal-Mart that Schmevens from Wal-Mart, at lease they are authentic.

Anyhow, I digress as I usually do.  What else did I end up with in my bag at Walgreen’s?  A new red nail polish, replacement bronzer (as mine is currently in pieces), and 2 packs of shoe insoles (2 for $5 baby!).  Just to be clear, the insoles are because I have narrow feet they aren’t those odor eaters or anything, geez.

After my exciting rendezvous with Walgreen’s it was off to the grocery store after work.  Nothing terribly exciting to report except that the checker noticed my new boots and he made some exaggerated joke about my ID birth date not being realistic.  I asked if he was taking tips or something.  I mean, come on, maybe I don’t look 29 but I know I don’t look 19 either dude (thanks nonetheless).

I returned home and Chad and I settled in for the two hour premier of AMERICAN IDOL, yipeeeee!  We happen to love this show as of last season.  And last night’s premier was pretty danged funny. I won’t go into detail in case you don’t watch but here are my two observations:

1.  I wanted to punch bikini girl in the face.

2. Just because nobody says anything when you get into the choir doesn’t mean you should move front and center for the solo (where are some of these people’s loved ones and why aren’t they having interventions with them pre-reality TV audition).

We watched an episode of The Big Bang Theory.  Then Chad said he was determined to hang out with me all night (um, ok) and sat down beside me to view the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County.  Ugg, that didn’t last long at my request.  He insisted on making comments and lots of background noise. I like to watch my guilty pleasure TV alone because I don’t need an outside perspective ruining my experience.  And in case you watch this show here are my observations:

1.   Gretchen is a hooker

2.   Vicki is desperately in need of love and constant affirmations of that love

3.   Tammy’s husband is so nice and handsome

4.   Raquel or Rachel or whatever, the teenager, is a walking stereotype and soon to be star of an After School Special (if you are going to underage drink you should probably NOT do it on a reality TV show)

5.   Jeana is boring and balanced and her kids are the same

Once my show was over I played a few games of Wii tennis (I rock) and decided to take the Wii fitness test.  Which was a bad idea, I think they were way too harsh on me.  It said I was 38 – really?  You can give me my age based on how well I bowl, play baseball and hit tennis balls?  Or does the Wii have secret cameras and its trying to tell me to stay out of the sun.  Either way, I am pissed and I will retake the test and be 8 next time.

Then, I went to bed – and tried to sleep even though every 10 minutes I would wake up because I couldn’t breathe through my left nostril.  If I don’t recover from this cold/sinus infection soon I have asked my Aunt to take me into a field and just get it over with.

NOW that was an exciting day – no?

  See it’s small enough to stow away in a  clutch even, if by chance it was New Year’s Eve and you were determined to go out despite your stuffy head because after all you had been holed up in the house for 2 weeks (in theory of course)!

I am not sure I have shared this with you guys yet, and shame on me, but our new office happens to be located next door to an endoscopy clinic.  For those of you under 50 and living under a rock that’s where you go to um, ahem, get your colon checked out and I am not talking about the punctuation mark.  So you can only imagine that with my gutter mind and sick sense of humor there are ENDless opportunities for jokes (see, that was one for those of you slow on the uptake).  It provides us hours of entertainment; well not the actual colonoscopies (gross) just the mere use of other’s misfortune for our daily giggles. 

Since we are next door, despite the big orange sign, we get about 4 visitors per week looking for the check in desk.  And while I haven’t followed through yet it’s only a matter of weeks before I actually take someone’s name and information down and make them sit in our waiting room before pointing to the big orange sign saying THIS IS NOT THE ENDOSCOPY CENTER.  Shoot, I might even loan them a Ziglar book to pass the time, like “Something to Smile About” or “Up, Up, Up in a Down, Down World.”  And then, when I finally reveal the news that they are, in fact, at the wrong location I will reassure them that everything will be ok in the END, they just need to take the BACK entrance to find the right building.

Last week we had two women absolutely INSIST that this was the clinic.  “Um, no ma’am I can assure you that it’s not, see, let me show you the two giant signs on the door one pointing to the real clinic and one with our business name.”  But they kept insisting so we had to physically lead them outside and point to the other suite with the big ENDOSCOPY CENTER sign.  I mean, in this economy why not offer motivation with a little colon procedure, the two go hand in hand (well, hopefully not).  As my grandfather says everyone needs a “Check up from the neck up” sometimes, well I guess they also need a check up from the waist down.