Katastrophies & Other Important News

I have been quite delinquent in my blogging this week, but a lot has been going on.  We are in the process of having our wood floor refinished so the couch is in the “foyer” (if our house were fancy enough to have a proper foyer, really it’s just an entry area), the end tables in the kitchen, the TV on the dining room table and all of our décor is scattered around the house.  Suffice it to say I am not a happy camper, my world is in disarray.  And I am anxious about the dog getting on the wood floors before they dry.  Not that my fears aren’t warranted since I saw little paw prints yesterday all the way from the kitchen entrance to the middle of the living room which is apparently the point in which Chewy thought perhaps he should turn back.  Anyway, all this excitement was enough to provide me a good excuse not to cook and ALMOST enough not to workout.  But alas the guilt set in and I set up shop in my little office instead.  I feel a little jello-ish but not like I did after Angie worked me for the first time.  I have to keep at it though because we meet again on the 7^th and I don’t want her to think that I have been lying on the couch scarfing Jelly Bellies and watching reality TV for the past two weeks (even if that IS what I have been doing).

The worst part about this floor refinishing project is that the TV is unhooked, which means the Tivo is unhooked which means I can’t watch my recording of The Real Housewives, which means I can’t blog about how insane Kelly is or how funny Bethenny is.  HELP.  What to do?  I was forced to hang out in the Man Room last night and watch some comic book movie until I decided that it was late and I needed to go to bed (HEY, 10:00 is late for some people on work nights).  This can’t go on too much longer, what will I blog about?  What will I do with my free time?  Maybe I can get to chapter two of The Host, and in the process stop wishing that it were really the 5^th Twilight book (although that’s doubtful).  Maybe I could train the dog, if only the wood floor were in the whole house I might have enough time for that but since it’s only one small area in the living room training a 12 year old dog is unlikely.  Oh well, it should be over soon and then I can plop my butt back on the couch and admire the wood floor while I fast forward through birth control commercials to get to Bethenny doing the Jill voice and being HIGHlarious while Ramona violently whips around her long stringy blonde hair saying something inappropriate.   

Have you ever spent the whole day on the couch doing absolutely nothing except take junk food breaks and let the dog out to potty? I am going to go with, “Yeah, me either” unless Chad rats me out.

This weekend was fun. We saw The Soloist on Friday night, which was OK. But it was head and shoulders above Knowing, although that’s like saying your boyfriend is less of a D Bag than Spencer Pratt (not hard to do). Anyhow, we made an emergency run after the movie to pick up some Jelly Bellies, I have Chad hooked now too and we are very loyal to our dealer – Target. After getting our stash Chad announced that he wanted some more décor in the house because it looked too plain. I’m sorry, what was that? Chad – wants – more – decorative items? WAHOO, music to my ears. So we spent a few minutes looking around at things when he made his second announcement of, “Um, why don’t I just give you some money and you buy the stuff while I stay home.” Did I just win the lottery? No arguing about whether a certain pattern might resemble a flower or not? No exhaustive shoulder slumps 30 minutes in? No frustrated “Yeah sure, it’s nice, whatever……..let’s just go.” That night it was hard to sleep because I was so exited, but I managed.

Saturday I spent the entire afternoon at Ikea and Target. I even managed to wrangle a full length mirror into my two-door Honda Accord. It wasn’t easy and it may or may not have kept hitting my emergency flashers when I turned a corner but I got it home so that’s all that matters. Because before Saturday Chad and I were totally oblivious to what we looked like from the waist down. We had a full length mirror at one time but then we decided we liked it better above the buffet in the dining room. Propping one foot up on the bathroom counter and standing on your tip toe with the other isn’t a very good way to get a complete and accurate picture of an ensemble.

That night we met friends for dinner at Carrabbas. We had a gift certificate so we suggested that restaurant specifically so we could contribute to the group’s meal……only ten minutes before leaving the house we couldn’t find it. Crap. We narrowed the possible causes for disappearance down to these four:

1. The dog ate it

2. It was stolen by gypsies – or the 5 year old kid across the street, he has always seemed shady to me

3. Chad secretly spent it without me

4. I accidently tossed it because it was on the kitchen counter and I loathe anything being on the counter that is not supposed to be there and get highly annoyed that Chad can let a bill, a receipt, loose change or his sunglasses sit there for weeks if I don’t say anything. So in an effort to make the world right again I may or may not have thrown it away.

I am leaning towards number 2 but Chad has his eye on 4. What do you think?

Sunday, was um, well gloriously unproductive. I watched some movies, some useless TV, tried taking a nap, snuggled with the dog, ate junk, watched some HGTV, ate some more junk, and then headed to bed. Whew! I am exhausted just thinking about it.

This was me all day Sunday, minus the cig and the dress.

Have you ever worked out with your personal trainer for the first time and then, after she left, squatted down to pick something up and fallen over?  Yeah, me either.

This is what I wore last night, minus the belt I thought it was a little too much what with the headband and all….ok, not really but I actually owned this Barbie as a child!

Yesterday was the big day.  Angie showed up at 5:30 PM on the dot ready to torture me get me in shape.  We did ball squats, leg splits (the nicer cousin to lunges), pushups (not real ones yet), crunches and some balance exercise.  The hour passed really quickly.  Then we reviewed my food journal from the last few weeks.  EEKS, I feared a Jelly Belly revolt but pleasantly they were not even mentioned (whew).  So, I am going to do the circuit we worked on yesterday for the next two weeks and then meet up again to gage my progress and make tweaks.  I am sure that next time you see me my old lady arms will be gone, my chicken legs will be less chicken-like, and you might see the beginnings of a six pack (if I were to wear a belly shirt ever or willingly show you my abs, which I won’t, so never mind that).

Enough about me (as if that were possible), Idol last night ended perfectly.  It was time for Lil and Anoop to go.  I think the group remaining is awesome, but America is DUMB for putting Alison in the bottom three so much.  She is amazing and will go far no matter what.

I also watched the Real Housewives of NYC last night.  As usual Kelly made an Arss of herself.  Dressing up like a Playboy bunny is so lame and cliche.  As if we didn’t realize you had an amazing model body by the bathing suit pictures, so thanks for throwing it in our face yet one more time.  And what was up with her foreign date?  So she was bunny and he was Adam (as in Adam and Eve)?  Or maybe he was Tarzan.  I don’t know, but it’s probably best that he not say much.

I thought Jill’s radio interview with the BBC was very good, she didn’t sound like a snob at all and she had some valid points.  Why should someone feel guilty for being rich?  As long as they are grateful for what they have and give back to others, which she does, since when is it a crime to work hard and enjoy the fruits of your labor?  Or should we all just be minimally prosperous and happy as long as everyone is equally as minimally prosperous.  Uh oh, sounds like socialism to me!  And it’s a little scary considering the current situation.  But since this isn’t a political blog I will refrain from going any further…..but I will say this, if there aren’t super rich people like Jill then who is going to donate, organize and fundraise for those in need?  Did you just say, “The government?”  Oh I sure hope not, yikes, they couldn’t successfully organize an Easter egg hunt without taxing you for each egg and changing the name to just “Egg Hunt” so as not to offend anyone who thinks Easter is too closely linked to Jesus.  Ok, so Easter egg hunts are hard to compare to government programs but certainly you can see some similarities.

P.S.  Bethenny continues to crack me up, her little monolog after Kelly’s party – TOO MUCH FUN, and then she just skated off like that was a normal thing to do in NYC.  Bethenny: you are my sarcasm hero.

This is apparently Kelly’s ex-husband.  Hmm, he doesn’t look anything like her current boy toy on the show, what could the attraction have been?

Have you ever gotten half way through the day and then realized your underwear was on inside out?  Yeah, me neither, just checking.

Last night’s episode of The Hills was kinda lame.  I did think it was quite funny that Brody’s model girlfriend asked who Audrina was.  Really?  I mean, even if you have never met her before I am pretty sure you don’t live under a rock, as most models don’t.  So either it was a poorly written part of the script (come on MTV think it through) or she was playing the B card.  That whole “I don’t know who you are” spiel is the oldest trick in the bisnatch book.  Especially when you have met a girl oh say 8 times and then you say “Nice to meet you” that one is really good but only a select few bisnatches can pull it off.  And there may or may not be some of those in Dallas, TX.

Anyway, it was really annoying how much PDA was going on between Brody and his beauty queen.  I don’t know much about her but she sort of bugs me.  So, like any mature blogger I dug up some photos (when I say “dug” I mean I Googled her and chose the first few images) and made intelligent remarks on them, just like Perez.

P.S. Tomorrow is my very first personal training session…ever.  Pray for me!

QUICK HILL’S RECAP

Let me repeat, verbatim, a conversation between Spence and Charlie (Spencer’s tool bag friend) on their way to hang out with some awesome chicks:

Spencer:  Dude

Charlie:  Yeah

Spencer:  Tonight is gonna rock.

Charlie:  For sure.

Spencer:  Sweet.

Charlie:  Word.

Spencer:  Dude.

Charlie:  Yeah.

So you can see that both are intellectuals with expanded eloquent vocabularies.  That was pretty much all I can recall from this last episode but really it’s quite enough.  OH, and the get up that Heidi was sporting on a leisurely Sunday afternoon, kind of ridiculous.  Her heels were so high she could barely walk dramatically away from the cameras….they were much like these:

AND MOVING ON…….

Yesterday on my walk I became intensely aware of all the interesting yard art in the neighborhood.  The only art in our yard includes trees, bushes, flowers and the occasional real life bunny (a lot more lately now that it’s bow-chuca-bow-wow season for bunnies) – you know, natural art.  But I guess it’s just us because everyone else in the area seems to decorate their lawns to the nines.  Some of my favorites include:

1.       The miniature iron golfer with his matching bag that had grass growing out of it

2.      Empty bright white swans that frame an entry way – not sure I understand that

3.      Full size old school water wells, although I am certain that they are not working

4.      Iron bicycles with flowers coming out of the seat and the basket

5.      Two large empty iron cowboy boots that frame a walk way

6.      Large cartoon frogs

7.      Small groupings of deer, three on each side of the doorway (so strange)

8.      A large male deer with antlers and everything being held up by an unsuspecting bush

9.      The ever classic fully clothed (bonnet and all) goose

10. The virgin Mary – I am not sure how the mother of Jesus feels about being reduced to yard art, flanking the evergreens and being a target for the neighborhood dogs

And I always love a random bench smack dab in the middle of the lawn, as if the owners actually go out and chill there.  I suppose I just don’t understand the yard art phenomenon – can someone explain?  Why would you need to add to God’s wonderful creations?  I mean, you do realize that nobody actually thinks you have deer in your yard or that the swans are real – right?  Sort of like those fake pony tails – nobody believes that is actually your hair.

P.S. If you are a dear friend or family member and you like yard art, I do apologize….but at least I am sure you don’t have anything like this:

You know those weeks where everything just seems to be going to ____ in a hand basket?  Well, I guess I was about due for one.  First, the speeding ticket that you already know about; then, in a bizarre twist of fate I knocked off half of my tooth on Tuesday night.  Being that I don’t play football, hockey or usually engage in any sort of activity that is even slightly dangerous (other than nagging Chad about the trash) I am sure you are wondering, “How on earth did she do that?”

Here are the ingredients, a recipe for disaster if you will:

·         One anticipated evening with “famous” republicans and beloved family members

·         A newly purchased perfect little black dress

·         An Aunt who couldn’t get her stubborn zipper up

·         A pair of pliers

·         An immense amount of force

And BOOM before you know it you have knocked off half of your tooth!  Don’t try this at home folks, really, I don’t recommend it.

So here is the breakdown:

·         Little black dress: $150

·         Trip to the dentist: $300

·         Speeding Ticket: $195

Being reminded that you are in control of absolutely NOTHING: Priceless.  But I did get this handy little lip balm from the dentist, well worth the $300 (or not):

Oh, and nitrous gas – which was FABULOUS, I HIGHly recommend it.  And I met the nicest dentist, Dr. Efseroff of Frisco Family Dental, who can be reached at 972.335.0313 – in case you need any work done or if you too have a chipped tooth emergency.

I am just glad they were able to rebuild my tooth and that Chad can take me to Nascar now without having to worry about all the Rednecks swarming me.

This is the tooth, or the piece of the tooth.

These are the pliers and the zipper pull.

And the scene of the accident where the fatality occurred…ok, so maybe it was only fatal for a tiny piece of my tooth but still the yellow caution tape remains around my guest bedroom.

P.S. Chad thought it was really cute to leave me a dollar where my tooth was – my little tooth fairy.  Ha.  Ha.

P.P.S. I can’t believe I have not blogged on The Hills or The Real Housewives….don’t worry, I will, I just needed to vent about my tooth and annoying extra expenses.

Dear City of Decatur,

  I hope this letter finds you in good health and prosperity.  I am sure, actually, that you are quite prosperous at this time given the rash of tickets you issued over the holiday weekend.  I need some help understanding, however, the correlation between the celebration of the resurrection of Christ and the decision to bless every driver on highway 388 with a ticket.  I am sure you have a perfectly good explanation.  Perhaps you are all heartless atheists?  Or maybe the town Easter egg hunt was cancelled and in order to amuse themselves your police department needed to hunt innocent law abiding citizens thinking they were going the speed limit instead?  All I know is that hiding out in the same spot all weekend could only mean that you know that most every driver believes the speed limit to be something that it is not.  Therefore you shamelessly wait for your next victim and then very callously issue them citations with not so much as a HELLO.  I thought small Texas towns were supposed to be friendly?  Maybe I wouldn’t be so insulted if I had at least received a “Hi, how are you today on this blessed GOOD FRIDAY afternoon?”  Instead I got, “License and registration.”  Gee thanks Officer Keith Hilton.

Anyhow, I just want you to know that you have both ruined my driving record, free of a speeding ticket for 13 years (I am an obvious threat to the safety of mankind), and my reputation as a grandma driver that I have held my entire life behind the wheel.

And I hope you had a Happy Freakin Easter!

Sincerely,

 I-Thought-The-Speed-Limit-Was-70 Lemons

P.S. It was just cruel to make me pull over in a spot that gave me a perfect view of the posted 70 speed limit sign not 5 feet ahead of me.  Just mean.

So, I guess you know how my weekend started off.  That night we capped off the awesomeness with the worst movie we have seen in a very long time: Knowing with Nicholas Cage.  The acting, the writing, the not so special affects….oh gosh everything was horrid, but laughable all at the same time.  Luckily the popcorn was still good.

Everything after that was mucho bueno!  But I would like to comment on the outrageous police occupation in Corinth, Denton and Decatur.  I drove from Frisco to Sunset twice this weekend (where my sister lives) and both ways there were speed traps galore that backed up traffic and caused a ruckus.  What’s the deal?  Are these three cities hard up for cash?  Meeting quota?  Sadistic police forces that enjoy making young women cry (not that I cried, but I am sure some did)?  Not sure, but Plano, Frisco, Lewisville and Highland Village didn’t feel the need to ruin anyone’s Easter weekend.  Which is why I choose to live in one of the above mentioned cities.  At any rate with the massive amounts of tickets handed out this weekend I am sure there is a support group or something, so if you know of one please let me know.  I need to talk/vent/rage/cuss.

Seriously.  I had to rewind The Real Housewives just so Chad could watch Luan make an ASS out of herself.  “Hello girls my name is Luan and I am awesome.  You, however, should lose weight, grow five inches, stop being so poor, and idolize me because like I said I am amazing and people like me.”  If only this were an exaggeration, but it is not.  I thought surely it was staged but I doubt they would do that with a group of young girls….I mean, it’s Bravo not MTV.  I can’t even remember the rest of the show because of this particular scene, it was horrifying. 

But I will say that Bethenny still cracks me up, she was so right on about Jill’s apartment.  It made the head spin a bit although I do love the blue/green I just wasn’t so sure about the P-O-P mix and match table…one more “O” and they are in trouble.

Anyone surprised by last night’s Idol elimination?  Not me, Chad and I have been screaming every week that it was time for dear Scott to go, bless his heart.  I hate the 2^nd episode each week, Chad and I are NOT into the horrid musical numbers that they make them do, it’s just embarrassing.  I don’t like musicals either.  And much like meat loaf, yes I mean ALL musicals even your favorite musical that you swear is different.  It’s not.  It’s still a musical.  If there is dancing, some acting, and a song breaks out every 7 minutes – it’s a musical and it’s not for me.  Thanks.

P.S. I was reminded last night why I don’t eat artificially sweetened foods anymore.  No sugar added ice cream = bad news.

P.P.S. I watched the preview of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Oh.  My.  Gah.  It’s all so stereotypical Jersey.  I keep waiting for Tony Soprano to show up.

I don’t normally blog about current events, because you can read about those for yourself. Now, commentary on reality TV, you can’t get that just anywhere so I consider it my duty to report back to you my thoughts on Heidi’s hair, Luan’s divorce and The Real World’s yawn factor. Anyhow, I saw an article on AOL today about the removal of Israeli female cabinet members from a photo in two ultra-orthodox newspapers. Why? Because many ultra-orthodox Jews view publishing photos of women as a violation of female modesty. By looking at the photo I am pretty sure there is nothing more modest than these two ladies:

But I guess if you have never seen a woman before, or a photo of a woman, they could be pretty, um, er, alluring. I guess, in that over 60, super conservative politician kind of way. But they aren’t exactly Pamela Anderson in a suit.

Anyway, in REAL news last night’s American Idol was pretty average. My top four right now are:

1. Adam (the slightly feminine kid who grew up in Hollywood)

2. Alison (the 16 year old with red hair and odd style)

3. Matt (the Justin Timberlake look alike)

4. Chris (the boyish guitar playing John Mayer-esk dude)

Also, Paula is still on drugs and Simon is losing patience.

Tonight I am going to watch the Real Housewives (which I record) so that I can share my riveting opinions about that as well!

Yesterday we had a cute surprise.  I was munching on some edemome for a post meal appetizer and Chad said, “Hey, look, there are ducks in our pool.”  And there were.  So Chad decided that he had to feed them some bread, except when he went outside and began chunking Mrs. Baird’s at them they waddled off to the corner of the yard.  I guess a 6’3 man throwing things at you isn’t a ducks favorite scenario.  So he went back inside…eventually they got back in the pool but they never at the bread – perhaps they are on Atkins or something.  About an hour later I let Chewy out to potty, when he didn’t come inside as quickly as he normally does I realized what he was doing.  He was in the grass snarfing up all the bread that the ducks had ignored.  As if the lollipop he had yesterday wasn’t enough he had to eat the duck left-overs too.  I swear that dog, he is just naughty through and through.

The duck visit was actually one of two surprises last night.  Chad happily announced that The Hills premier was at 9:00.  Huh?  How did I miss it?  How had he seen ads I hadn’t?  What was going on!  But it was true, the 2 episode premier of the Hills was on last night! 

I heard a rumor that this season might be the last for The Hills, it might actually be more than just a rumor but I can’t remember and I am too lazy to go researching my facts – it’s a blog people not the Dallas Morning News.  Anyhow, I think this might be good – it’s time.  And I can’t believe I am saying this but I am.  I was sort of cringing inside last night as Heidi and Lauren cried and hugged and looked all distraught.  And I couldn’t help but roll my eyes when Heidi was “relaxing” in Colorado with her family in full BARBIE makeover garb including a feather bearing knit cap pulled over her very “done” “blonde” hair.  I swear the girl doesn’t know the meaning of natural or understated however she is quite familiar with curling iron and mascara.  Heidi, put the hairspray and the shimmery eye shadow down…or should I say, “MTV hair and makeup crew, give it a rest.”

I will give them props on the fight with Cameron and Spencer, that looked pretty real actually, although you know it wasn’t since you didn’t hear about it in the news beforehand.  Nice.  Spencer is so, what’s the word, irrelevant.  He is not even worth trashing anymore, I just don’t care.

P.S. I met with a trainer yesterday, yes as is personal trainer, as in I am planning on working out.  I know, I know.  Anyway, we were discussing food and what not and she told me some scary info on my beloved Splenda – it was discovered by accident while developing pesticides.  GROSS, so this morning I skipped the Splenda/bug repellant.