Katastrophies & Other Important News

Yesterday, Monday, was of course grocery day. Feeling ambitious I actually stopped at Sprouts first and then went to Tom Thumb. Sprouts was having a 25% off all gluten free items and I couldn’t pass it up. Tonight I will be making my first ever gluten free pizza, since Chad will be with the guys playing with sticks and small white balls – golf balls people, golf balls (perverts). I couldn’t find the Namaste Sugar Free pizza crust that cousin Jennie recommended so I had to settle for an Asian looking rendition. I will give a full report tomorrow.

YUM

I spent the remainder of the evening working out, going for a walk and watching True Blood. Newest mystery – the new clumsy waitress Daphney. She is dumb, slow, and always making mistakes and she has scars on her back that indicate she might be the ox/man creature that attacked Sookie. Which would make sense – dumb and clumsy as an ox (get it). But time will tell. Oh and I am curious as to what exactly is the deal with Marianne. The eye thing reminds me of Heros. And is it just me or does it feel like that preacher wife might come out in a whipped cream bikini at any moment? I keep waiting for something to happen there. They are fishier than day old sushi. Seems more like they are running a camp to find young people with talent that they can profit from than a true service to young leaders.

P.S. If you are thinking of renting Confessions of a Shopaholic….don’t. It was so bad I couldn’t finish it on Sunday night, but then I decided to turn it back on while I worked out yesterday, I needed something mindless. Really. Really. Bad.

So I finished the 2 part Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion this weekend. The highlight by far was this Q&A exchange:

Host: Danielle, are you a pathological liar?

Danielle: No, of course not.

Um, what pathological liar worth their salt actually admits to being a pathological liar? Duh, liars lie about being liars, that’s how it works.

The other amusing moment was when Danielle broke down and cried, or at least I think that’s what she was doing. I couldn’t quite tell because her face doesn’t move, like at all. It’s weird, I kept waiting for her to show emotion but it was as if her face could only go so far.

And am I correct in assuming that it sounds like Danielle threatened to take a hit out on Dina but didn’t go through with it? I mean, they were trying to be all incognito about it and not actually say the words but that’s sure what it sounded like to me! Crazy.

I spent most of the weekend in the sun so I have a definite sangover today (sun hangover). Why is it that I love the sun so much? I don’t know. I think it’s because I can lay there and do nothing and yet I feel like I am accomplishing something (a great tan).

Sunday after a day on the boat we stopped in to get a burger at….Redneck Heaven. It’s not a place I would normally frequent but I went along with the crowd. Some of the more notable accents – an oil rig water fountain in the center of the restaurant, poker tables, and lumberjack outfits for the waitresses. I wonder what my boss would say if I showed up to work in boots, jean shorts cut off just below my butt cheek and a flannel shirt tied tightly up around my bosom? Possible responses:

a. “Nice outfit.”

b. “I think it’s time for a raise.”

c. “Here’s a $20 now run and go get me a beer.”

d. “Is it April Fools Day?”

e. “Go home. And change. Now. Before I tell your Grandmother.”

I am gonna go with e. How would one put this on a resume – Lumberjack Wench?

It’s not many a Friday that I show up to work in a black dress and heels but today I do so in honor of Amy.  I would say that today is a sad day but I suppose it would be more accurate to say that today is sad for me, and all of us that knew Amy, but joyous for her.  She is already safe and sound enjoying her mansion in Heaven.  And I would wager all my earthly possessions on the fact that she has quite the mansion.

I am afraid my attempt to describer Amy would not do her justice, so instead read a blog my Uncle Tom wrote, I think it’s more than eloquent.  I would, however, like to share a few of my favorite things about her. 

Amy had the purest heart of anyone I have ever met.  You always knew that her intentions were right and she had no hidden agenda.  She carried a light with her at all times that oozed joy – not just happiness but true, God-given joy.  This is how she did everything in her life, the good, the bad, the not fun, the exciting, the arduous, the sad….she handled it with grace and joy.  Amy was a friend to everyone and nothing was too much trouble.  She would give you the shirt off her back and actually she usually did just that.  Amy was always giving.  I myself was on the receiving end of purses, jeans, tops, and makeup but I didn’t consider myself too special because Amy was giving to everyone.  Just like HeatherBakes I remember lunch time trips to the resale store or the mall.  Amy would race us to the retail and race us back in just under an hour, it was amazing.  Most of all Amy’s smile, excitement and love for others are what I will remember most.  For a petite little thing she filled an entire room with her spirit.  We would all be so lucky as to leave a legacy even close to what Amy has left all of us.

Last Friday when Amy passed away, in an effort not to become a blubbering mess at work, I glanced upward and caught sight of my overhead bin where I saw a beautiful rugged looking magnetic cross…that Amy had given me.  So much for holding it together.

I have found that I may or may not be getting a little irritable about my food situation.  Last night I was looking forward to a yummy smoothie with banana, frozen strawberries, spinach, plain yogurt, soy milk and honey.  Only, when I went to get the banana it was gone.  CHAD!  To his defense I didn’t tell him to keep his hands off my nanner.  However, there are like 3 things I can eat in our house: chicken, tortilla chips, and salad.  Chad, however, can have:

• Ice cream

• Bread

• Pasta

• Cokes

• Cookies

• Candy

• Frozen dinners galore

• Pizza

So you get the idea.  And my lack of options has made me, well, a little snippy.  Can you blame me?

This is my third official day without sugar.  While the first day was a little difficult after dinner it hasn’t been so bad since then.  I haven’t really been tempted, even last night as Chad ate a bowl of ice cream right in front of me.  I did have to hide my bag of Jelly Bellies at work though, they were already in a drawer but I had to stuff them completely out of sight (just in case).

So in honor of my two week NO SUGAR trial I thought a little sugar porn was appropriate:

Now that was HOT – admit it.

Last night I balled my eyes out watching Jon and Kate, which should probably be appropriately renamed: Jon minus Kate = very sad and permanently affected 8 kids. Since nobody is really talking about it I think it’s my duty to do so. My overall synopsis: two people who got married young, had lots of kids, got famous and now are two very angry people who have not taken the proper time or measures (i.e. counseling) outside of the public eye to really give it try. In essence they have given up without ever really giving it a go. I don’t understand, people put 10 years into a marriage but won’t give counseling 1 full year? And despite the “peace” they are giving their kids I think it’s really a cop out. It’s not about the kids, it’s about them. Before you jump all over me, I know sometimes divorce is the only option when someone is abusive, destructive, or otherwise bad news and unwilling to change. But from the outside looking in (just like the rest of America) that’s not the case I see with Jon and Kate. And that’s all I have to say about that (today anyway).

Ok, so major news: I am off of sugar for two weeks. Yes, that means Jelly Bellies too, actually, it means ESPECIALLY Jelly Bellies. I am already off complex carbs since I can’t eat bread or pasta or cakes or pies so I just want to see what no sugar does to my system. I hear that it helps you burn more fat, so I will give a full report in two weeks! If I make it that long without hurting someone, yikes, I am like a smoker who goes cold turkey. Meanwhile Chad had a piece of pie after dinner last night and as I was going to sleep he grabbed the container of cheesecake bites and a fresh Coke. Nice.

So, my favorite holiday is coming up! No, not Canada Day. The 4th of July! It has been my favorite holiday ever since Christmas stopped being my favorite holiday, around age 15. Why is this you ask? Well, how could you not love: swimming, BBQing, sparklers, hanging with friends, themed flag décor, getting a day off of work and firework displays. I mean, if you DON’T love all of those things I think it’s time to turn in your American card. So to all of you REAL Americans out there HAPPY EARLY 4TH OF JULY!!!

True Blood.  Last night.  Was really, really good.  I just never know what to expect.  I have decided, however, that poor Sookie needs a little makeover.  Last night on her “day off” from the restaurant she had her hair half up in curly tendrils like she was going to prom.  Only she had on plaid shorts, a white shirt and a jean jacket – which is odd because why wear a jean jacket if you are wearing booty shorts.  And really, why wear booty shorts at all?  Unless you are going to a 1995 themed party, then I guess it’s ok. 

I still have Kendra and Denise Richards lined up to watch tonight, I have to stock up on recorded shows so that I don’t get all depressed mid week when HGTV is rerunning the same House Hunters episode for the 95th time and HBO is showing Live Free or Die Hard yet AGAIN (can they not throw in a Steel Magnolias every 5th time or what).

As some of you may or may not know Chad, my dear husband, is obsessed with golf.  And while he does want to fill me in on the details of each game he really “doesn’t care” if I decide to take up the hobby myself or not.  However, he does like the idea of me riding in the cart with him on evenings when he is playing solo.  So I did this, a few weeks ago because he seemed so eager for me to join him (and I hate disappointing him).

I don’t know why he was so surprised or dismayed when I didn’t pay a lick of attention to his golf game.  I mean, HELLO, there are 500 houses, at least 50 dogs, and about 458 bunnies to admire on each hole.  So excuse me for not “watching to see where your ball went” or for disrupting play by announcing “THERE’S A BUNNY (again)!” And might I add that one bathroom along 18 holes is hardly enough to accommodate this young lady.  I also hear that sipping white wine while traveling these 18 holes also might increase one’s need to use the restroom (but that’s just a rumor and a non-issue because they should anticipate these types of things).

Needless to say I have not been invited back (which may or may not have been part of my evil plan).

Just think if I did start playing now this could be me in 40 years:

And this could be Chad -those are some hot shoes!

Yesterday I made my weekly jaunt to the grocery store, a little later than usual but remember I was sick on Monday.  Anyhow, I was picking out some sliced cheese, to pair with my apples, and I discovered that not all cheese is equal.  Since I read every label now, searching for signs of gluten, I have found out a lot about food.  I am always shocked when I read the list of ingredients and it’s one or two items long, something like “peanuts” or “turkey”.  Rather than:

Corn, Vegetable Oil (Contains one or more of the Following: Corn, Soybean, or Sunflower Oil), Buttermilk Solids, Salt, Tomato Powder, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Corn Syrup Solids, Corn Starch, Whey, Onion Powder, Garlic Powder, Monosodium Glutamate, Cheddar Cheese (Cultured Milk, Salt, Enzymes), Nonfat Milk Solids, Sugar, Dextrose, Malic Acid, Sodium Caseinate, Sodium Acetate, Artificial Color (Including Red 40, Blue 1, Yellow 5), Spice, Natural and Artificial Flavor, Sodium Citrate, Disodium Inosinate, and Disodium Guanylate.

Can you guess what the above ingredients describe?  A nuclear bomb, a 5th grade science project, or maybe the items in a professional chef’s arsenal? Nope, Doritos – just regular old flavored “corn” chips…that will stay fresh for the next 10 years, along with your Oreos and white bread.  But back to cheese.

I wanted to purchase some low fat slices so I picked up a good old Kraft 2% package, flipped it over and began the novel:

Organic Cheddar Cheese (Pasteurized Organic Milk, Cheese Culture, Salt, Enzyme), Water, Sodium Citrate, Contains Less than 2% of Milkfat, Salt, Sodium Phosphate, Oleoresin Paprika (Color), Annatto (Color).

I lost interest after Sodium Phosphate and opted for the regular cheese which included: Pasteurized Milk, Salt, Enzymes and Cheese Cultures.

If you are looking for good whole, clean, pure foods a good sign is the number of ingredients.  If it’s pure, meaning made from God and not Bart down at the factory, the list will be short and if it’s from Bart you may have to pull up a chair in Tom Thumb to get all that reading done.  For instance, I am enjoying some raw almonds right now; ingredient:  almonds.  But call me if you find anything that has the sole ingredient of Ding Dong or if you find a popsicle tree in the Arctic Circle or a potato chip farm in Idaho.  Because I would be super excited.

This week started out a little rough, hence the first blog appearing on Wednesday (slacker).  Monday I was sick and Tuesday was extremely busy.  Chad has been busy too.  He has taken a special liking to golf these days and it has consumed a considerable amount of his time, poor thing, he has barely been able to mow the lawn, clean the pool or take out the trash.  Last week he had to put in 4 full rounds plus a few practice sessions, yeah I know, ROUGH.  Last night’s round was particularly grueling because of the heat.  The poor thing came dragging in around 7:45 barely hydrated desperate for a shower and some water…..(INSERT RECORD SCRATCHING NOISE PLEASE).

Yeah, um, so honestly I don’t mind all the golf.  Chad is living the dream right now – working from home, flexible hours, good money, etc.  And yes, I am a little jealous but still I am glad he is super happy.  But my sympathy is non-existent when he comes in from an afternoon of golf acting like he just returned from war.  Golf carts do not equate to tanks or HumVs.  And while I know it’s hot out there in the desolate land of Frisco it’s hardly the real desert…..I don’t believe the real desert offers a cart girl at every other hole or a full on bathroom.  And a Tiger Woods golf shirt and cargo shorts hardly equal fatigues and lace up boots.  But like I said, perhaps I am just jealous. Jealous that I had to wake up at 6:00, shower and look presentable, drive to work, work for 8 hours, drive home in traffic, workout, make myself dinner, clean up the yard……and then crumple with exhaustion on the couch just in time for my hubby to return from war golf.

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I only have one thing to say about last night’s season finale of The Real Housewives of NJ (well, probably more than one thing) – Jaquelin is so out of the family.  But the other things that I would say:

1.  Danielle’s kids are going to be SO messed up – they should just go ahead and pick out their stripper names now.
2. Theresa’s new, ahem, additions look really good – not at all fake or foreign on her tiny frame.
3. There is something about Caroline that I really like – or maybe I am just a tad bit scared of her and therefore want her to like me so that she doesn’t send her attack dog or hire hit man after me.
4. Dina acts like the baby of the family, very helpless and like a victim.  But I like the relationship she has with her daughter, very sweet.
5. And Theresa’s freak out seemed more alcohol induced than anything, it was sort unintelligible (I couldn’t understand anything she said).

Have a happy Wednesday!

P.S. Don’t tell Chad but I got him these pants to show him how much I support his new love of golf:

We were invited to a Ranger game on Wednesday night…..if you live in Texas and were paying attention you know that it probably wasn’t the best night to be outside…..

We left at 4:10, missed our exit and didn’t realize it until 15 minutes down the road.  Turned around only to sit in massive, massive traffic.  Took us 2 whole hours to get to Arlington but since we were still early we decided to eat something outside the ballpark, so we stopped in at Salt Grass.  At this point it looks a little overcast (hindsight chuckle).  I get a call from Dave (our friend with the tickets) saying the game is delayed 30 minutes….then we notice that the trees are bending sideways (hmm, not normal).  We get in the car just in time to see the skies open up and the most severe wind and rain storm.  The radio is saying tornado warnings, hail, pull over, get off the roads….so I call Dave who SWEARS there are clear skies behind the storm and to come on over.  Um, not so much, so after a two hour drive in traffic we turn around and head back in the torrential down pour.  Basically we drove to Arlington to eat at Salt Grass and we didn’t even get steak because we were in a hurry and Chad was looking forward to dollar dog night.

We get home and look out back to see that our patio table is half way across the yard upside down, the umbrella has been snapped in half and the weighted base is almost in the pool.  I run to change after we wrangle the table and mourn the umbrella only to nearly step in a pee spot (compliments of Chewy) at the top of the stairs.  After all that I just want to watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey and go to bed but when I turn the TV on Direct TV snidely asks me to reset the box….which takes a minimum of 15 minutes (so annoying).  Ugg, it was NOT the night I had planned but at least we were safe.  We saw about 8 wrecks on the way there and back, one of which was an 18 wheeler on its side.

Chad took this pic on our way home from the game – do you like my shorts?

So, is it just me or does it seem like The Real Housewives New Jersey season went really fast.  They already advertised the season finale?  And something they did this season REALLY annoyed me.  They did that dang preview episode first where they compiled bits from every other episode.  So every single “new” episode I seconded guessed Tivo because I swore I had seen it before.  And I had, only just one or two scenes.  Dear Bravo, keep it simple next time and just have a regular old season premier. 

P.S. I can’t wait to see Theresa’s new rack!  I like her, she is sweet and a good mom who loves her husband.

P.P.S. The fact that they all seem to pay cold hard cash for everything (like movers and plastic surgery) is a bit sketchy.  There has to be something illegal going on there – besides those awful accents.

I thought I might give you guys a workout update, since you are dying to know. It has officially been 7 weeks since I began my workouts with Angie – which reminds me, for a bubbly blonde she sure is evil. The good news is that working out has almost become a habit. It’s a given that unless I have plans I will be working out after work. It’s also a given that I don’t make plans to be out after work more than once a week so that I CAN workout. And I also get grumpy and cranky when something unforeseen interrupts my workout schedule…in general I don’t like anything unforeseen.

Anyhow, I am on my second circuit, the first one proved to be building a bit too much thigh and butt muscle (nice) and I was struggling to get my pants on (keep your jokes to yourself people). While I feel like the first 4 weeks were spent building muscle I now feel like I am getting more sculpted and slimming down (yeah, since I gained 6 pounds over the last 6 weeks…most people LOSE weight when they start working out and stop eating bread but I guess I am special). My arms are looking great (if I do say so myself) so don’t be surprised when I see you and the first thing I do is show you my guns. Apparently I have lost inches in my back/bust area – great, just where I wanted to lose inches. Sometimes I think I see the beginnings of some abs but it could just be the lighting mixed with wishful thinking. A true six pack may take more time and energy than I am able to devote but just a little definition would be enough for me.

Lately I have been adding in a run after my workout or on my off days. When I say run go ahead and erase the image you have of a professional runner. Not so much. It’s more interval running, so I run for about 4 minutes until I can’t run anymore then I walk, then I run, then I ……well, you get the idea. The purpose is to get my heart rate up. Walking is great but it takes much longer to get the same results so instead I just spend about 30-45 minutes interval running and I am done. Once the 105 temps hit I will probably have to retire this luxury, unless I can get a Life Alert I am afraid Chad might find me one day 4 blocks away passed out on someone’s lawn.

My gluten free diet has been going ok. I found some yummy GF waffles, which was nice since I miss the feel of chewing bread. But I have been unpleasantly surprised to “find” (after the fact of course) that gluten is in foods that it shouldn’t be. Like rice at Mexican restaurants, CokeL , and pre-packaged turkey meat (caramel coloring). It’s pretty amusing looking at the grocery cart now. Chad and I have always eaten differently but now it’s really different:

1. 3 packs of Cokes
2. Bean dip and Fritos
3. TGI Fridays quesadillas
4. White bread
5. Ice cream

(And still he remains thin. So. Not. Fair.)

1. Propel
2. Gluten free ginger snaps
3. Apples
4. Bananas
5. Lettuce
6. Chicken
7. Sushi (I heart Market Street sushi!)