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Yes, I Really Did Get This Email Today

July 23, 2010

Re: Help

Dear Allison,

This is a terrible story I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the stress. Of course I will loan you $1500 dollars – being that I know you, trust you and that I have never heard of a scam like this ever. So I know for sure you are telling the truth and aren’t just some fat guy sitting at a computer in a hot dark room with a cigarette hanging off your lip, drinking a beer and waiting for some schmo to respond to your scam and send you cash.

So, according to your address you are staying at a computer workshop: http://www.brokencomputers.co.uk/whitecross Penzance Computers Workshop 01736 888202 01736 888202 – 36b Market Jew Street, Penzance, Cornwall, TR18 2HT.

Perhaps I should just give you a call and we can get this thing figured out right now. Thank goodness for the Internet or else I might not know where to find you so that I could deliver your cash right away. And just to be sure you are OK I will be contacting this place of business and letting them know your situation and to be expecting an envelope full of cash.

 I will be in touch Allison – stay strong!

Katherine Lemons

VP of Fraud Detection and “We weren’t born yesterday”

 From: allison White [mailto:allisonejw84@yahoo.com] Sent: Friday, July 23, 2010 12:02 PM To:

Subject: help

Hi! Hope you get this on time. I am writing you in a tensed mood and urgently require your kind aid soon. I made a trip to Penzance (United Kingdom) for a program. Unfortunately for me, I got mugged at gun point last night on my way to the hotel where I booked. They went away with all i had including my wallet where i have all my cash and also my cell phone. I wasn’t injured because I quickly complied. My traveling documents are been apprehended by the hotel management because of my inability to settle bills. I reported to the police and they only asked me to write a statement about the incident and later referred me to the embassy. I contacted our embassy here but they are not responding effectively to the matter. I am confused and so full of panic right now.

For now, I do not have a phone where i can be reached. All i have got here is my mail which i have limited access to. Please I need you to kindly loan me about (1,500 US Dollars) or any amount to sort-out my hotel bills and other expenses incurred here and get back home soon as i do not feel safe here anymore. I Promise to reimburse immediately on my return. I will explain full details to you when i get back. I will appreciate any amount you can quickly arrange and send to me via Western Union with the details below. Receivers Names: white Allison Receivers Address/location:36b Market Jew Street Penzance, TR18 2HT, United kingdom Please Write to me the full details of the transfer or scanned copy of the transfer receipt so that i can receive over here quickly. Let me know if you can be of any help soon because you are the only person i can reach at this moment and the next flight back home departs in about 2 days.

Hope I can count on you.

Allison White

Dear Nordstrom

June 24, 2010

Dear Nordstrom Swim Department,

 I regret to inform you that while you carry many adorable swim designs and styles I will be unable to purchase any of them. I fear that I am not the only non-visually impaired woman who feels this way.  As it turns out a harsh, bright spotlight that looms directly over the mirror is not quite the best lighting to be half naked in.  Unfortunately, last month, while standing in line for my full body makeover I was denied due to lack of funds.  So you can imagine that having acquired all of the things that come along with being a 30 year old hater of fitness the spotlight situation is none too pleasing.  I do hope that you will consider a change in lighting design for the future.  The perfectly lovely sales assistant looked hungry and sad from lack of sales and I certainly hope that she does not have a family to feed.

I recommend total lack of lighting if you really want the suits to fly off the racks.  Just pitch black.  But if you must have something I suggest that each fitting room have a personalized dimmer that can be turned as low as necessary to make the suit, and the girl, look good.  I believe sales will increase and customer satisfaction will improve.  In the event that a snotty, thin, in-shape, young girl happens to complain about not being able to clearly see her hip bones with the darker lighting – simply inform her that she is welcome to walk out in to the store to get a better look.  I am sure she won’t mind.

 

Sincerely,

30 and hating loving it

This Just In…..Oldest Living Min Pin On Earth

June 15, 2010

Some of you may not know that this month was a special time in the Lemons’ household – Chewy turned 13, furthering the common belief that he will, in fact, be the oldest living Miniature Pincher on earth.  Though he is definitely more grey, and doesn’t quite dash up the stairs like he used to he still has an amazingly playful spirit.  Being that he still enjoys a good toy and a friendly game of hide the elephant (which is not what it sounds like, perverts) we make sure to stock the house with plenty of fun dog items.  Here is a line-up of Chewy’s “usual suspects”; they are a sorted bunch for sure.

First, there is Kitty Rope who has a squeaker in his head.  Then, The Alien, who for some reason ends up outside or in the kitchen most of the time.  The Patriotic Elephant is his new 13th birthday toy, demonstrated by the fact that he still has his stuffing and eye balls.  This toy also shows Chewy’s political party allegiance (I’m just saying).  The Christmas Chicken is one of my favorites; he makes this awful sound that is especially alarming at 3:00 AM when you are trying to find your way to the toilet.  And finally there is Chewy’s twin.  He is the exact opposite of Chewy’s colors and he has no eyes, and no stuffing, so mostly he just lies in a heap – much like Chad during football season.

So there you have it.  Chewy is clearly spoiled but you know what, why shouldn’t he be.  He is like 108 years old in dog years and has been the most loyal, sweet, adorable, precious angel dog every minute.  Except that one time on the rug.  Oh, and the incident with the kitchen trash.  And that poor bunny rabbit a few days back.

Serving Up Some Whoop..Uh…Butt

June 7, 2010

Tomorrow Chad and I will have our very first tennis lesson.  So of course I have to prepare with court appropriate attire.  Which = SHOPPING!  Because I don’t think I want to stand outside in 100 degree heat in yoga pants or skinny jeans, my only current options.  So yesterday I ventured to Sports Authority and then Dicks Sporting Goods.  I was hoping to just run in to SA and grab something but it appeared that all of their employees were on a smoke break, 12 years old, or behind the register in anticipation of a customer actually finding what they need on their own and then wanting to purchase it.  In fact, I approached a young lady at the register to ask if anyone was in ladies apparel:

Me: Is anyone available to help me in the woman’s department.

Employee: No, probably not.

Me: Oh, um, ok, so…..I only saw one rack of tennis stuff is there more.

Employee: Maybe. I don’t really know.  There might be something else if you really dig.

Me: Ok (but really thinking to myself: you unprofessional, obnoxious little twit, why don’t you at least climb out from behind that register and pretend like you get paid to work here).

Luckily I was able to overcome the generally incompetent staff of the sporting goods stores.  So tomorrow at 6:00 PM I will be ready to school Chad! 

Checklist:

  1. Nike tennis skirt

  2. Matching Nike top (ok perhaps this wasn’t a MUST but don’t tell Chad that)

  3. 12 year old racket from high school

  4. The memory of my glory days of tennis

  5. The need to seriously beat Chad and excel as class favorite

  6. Any actual current ability to play tennis – crap, well, 5 out of 6 ain’t bad

Look here I am in my new outfit (with hair extensions…did I also mention I have been working out and reversing any signs of aging at the same time?):

My new outfit is SUPER flattering. Clearly.

BMW

June 4, 2010

Last year I was lucky enough to happen upon a 1948 copy of Vogue’s Book of Etiquette. No, I wasn’t necessarily scouring the Internet or vintage book stores looking for it, as my time is far too filled with reality TV for that kind of persistence.  In fact, I didn’t even know that such a thing existed.  In my mind Vogue is nothing more than an advertisement book thinly veiled as a fashion magazine with a few articles here and there printed in such tiny font that the idea of making my way through 620 words on, “The History of a Versace Dress,” almost shuts my eyes immediately.  I usually go for the glossy trashy mags with a bikini pic of Jennifer Anniston and a 100 word essay on why Lindsay Lohan is out of control (a story told mostly through a series of pictures).  So when my grandmother’s passing left me with this amazing find I was intrigued to say the least.

My grandmother exuded class, style, elegance and most of all – etiquette her entire life, all 91 years of it.  As early as 10 years old I was being gifted with Emily Post books and instructed on the proper way to cut my food (and though dicing up all of your chicken at once may seem efficient for stuffing your face, it is not considered couth).    I believe I was the only teenager at the sports banquet (ok, and yes, drama banquet too but it was cool at my school) who knew which water was mine (FYI, it’s BMW, bread, meal, water in that order from left to right).  Yet even with my extensive training early on I had no idea that the rules of etiquette reached so far – 644 pages worth.  Who knew!  There is an entire page of proper manners when having a wedding in a time of mourning and a whole chapter on appropriate clothing when visiting the country on holiday (and not just specific pieces, but fabric types too).  Anyhow, as I make my way through the book I have been completely enlightened and I feel it would be improper and just plain rude if I were not to share some of my findings with you.  I am certain you will thank me should you ever have to write a letter to the governor of a social club or entertain a head of state.

 

More to follow next week!

See - BMW. Also note that once used a utensil should never touch the table again, though I am sure this rule is null and void when dining at Lubys.

Dinner With A Married Man – Why Your Grandmother Would Not Approve

May 26, 2010

It is no secret that we live in an age where apparently everything is OK.  There are no limits to what is socially acceptable.  We can say what we want, do what we want and look how we want (case in point, hot pink lycra leggings) and who is anyone else to tell you different.  That’s right, we are an empowered nation bulldozing through life with total confidence.  Except, divorce rates are at an all time high.  Alcohol and drug use persist and now sex is a legitimate addiction too.  But I am sure those are totally unrelated to our “anything goes” mentality.

As politicians use controversial topics to recruit voters and leverage their own agendas it’s the rest of America that suffers through the consequences.  That said, I assure you this article has no political agenda (go Republican), I swear.  I kid.  I kid.  Except about the Republican part. No, no, what I really want to discuss are some of the lost rules of etiquette that use to protect us as a society.  The ones that we tossed to the side claiming that they were outdated and inhibited our natural sense of independence and freedom.  I do not mean the whole white after Labor Day thing, because that is one that should have been tossed out and has no overall social consequences – unless you consider a few more months of seeing panties through unlined white pants a social consequence.

Believe it or not being a female and choosing to be alone in the company of a married man used to be considered risky behavior that proper young ladies did not engage in.  “But that’s so lame, and besides my BFF is of the opposite sex.”  Yeah, um, and I assure you that your BFF’s spouse is none too pleased when you two meet up alone.  The fact is spending time with members of the opposite sex can produce feelings and feelings often breed actions.  Add a few glasses of wine in there and you have a recipe for divorce my friend. 

Back in the old days it was even considered uncouth for a single lady to be invited to a party by a married man, it was necessary to be invited by the lady of the house.  Don’t think that these rules only applied to ladies, men had the same rules.  Everyone had social guidelines to follow, and just think there was STILL infidelity and misconduct.  Listen, I am not saying that everything should return to the way it was – as I am pretty stoked that I don’t have to wear panty hose, a skirt and heels every day.  I do think, however, that we would all be better off if we nixed our sense of entitlement to do whatever the crap we wanted and began to think about how our actions have consequences – for ourselves and others too.  By the way, my grandmother would probably not approve of me using the word “crap” so please strike that from your memory.

If you think I sound antiquated that’s ok.  My husband doesn’t. I think he rather appreciates that I don’t spend quality time with other men; I guess he is strange that way.

Thank you very much.

The Byron “Talent”

May 25, 2010

Saturday Chad and I ventured out to the Byron with Jon and Andrea to witness Dallas’ finest in action – and I am not talking about the golfers.  In fact, was there even golf going on?  I’m not sure, I was way too focused on all the d-bags in training and Hookers R Us’ starting line-up.

Look.  There is a time and a place for spiked heels, mini-skirts, perfectly pressed hair, full makeup, and “the girl’s” on full display.  And while a golf tournament in the middle of the blazing hot day may seem like a good idea I assure you it is not.  Other than the miles of walking, hills, porta-potties, grassy knolls, 90 degree heat and d-bags around every corner I guess I can see why you might think so though.

Speaking of d-bags what’s the deal with referring to women as “talent?”  I probably heard 5 different groups of Lacoste shirt wearing 23 year olds make a comment about the awesome “talent.”  After I finished throwing up in my mouth I had to ask myself – what defines “talent?”  I didn’t notice any of the aforementioned girls playing any instruments, reciting any poetry, dancing, singing or doing anything other than walking up hills with heels on.  I guess that could be defined as talent but let’s be honest – American Idol will not be calling any time soon.

But between all the “talent” and the men hitting on the talent Saturday provided lots of entertainment.  We finished the day by looking at another bunch of houses with Gigi and Eric.  I don’t want to jinx anything but we found a winner.  And that’s all I shall say.  Oh, and no green swimming pools with tadpoles this time.  Though we did run in to yet ANOTHER shirtless home owner who was apparently completely unaware that his house was being shown.  Who lies on the couch shirtless in the middle of the day?  I guess the same person that has a stuffed fish and antlers in their master closet (nice).  Gigi and I say he was another divorcee as no respectable woman would allow a dead fish and animal remains in their closet AKA sanctuary.

 

P.S. You know what’s awesome, when you sneak out to roll the trash cans to the curb in your “only around the house” outfit only to be welcomed by your chatty neighbor.  Luckily she was wearing a t-shirt that said “Oh yeah, well I don’t like you either” with complimentary neon shorts and black socks.  So I was probably over dressed for the occasion in my tank top and shorts. 

P.P.S. Nobody over 12 should wear a cutsy t-shirt with a saying on it.  Same goes for scrunchies, hair bows, and that look where the young girls make a pony tail with their t-shirts in the back using an elastic hair band.

See what I mean - just. not.cute.