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The Katherine Lemons Workout Routine

June 26, 2008

I am sort of infamous for my stance on intentional exercise, basically I hate it.  I loathe the idea of going to the gym; of spending 30 minutes getting dressed, filling my water bottle, prepping my iPod, driving, and gearing up to spend 30-45 more minutes chained to a treadmill, recumbent bike or worse – left to my own devices in the free weights section.  I am way too lazy to do all this in the morning, I would have to get up at like 4:00 AM and I just don’t see that happening unless I am catching a flight to Mexico or something.  After work I am uber tired, and that whole bit about “exercise will give you more energy” must not kick in until after like 8 years of consistently working out.  ‘Cause despite my hatred of working out I have given it a fair chance plenty of times and it has always disappointed me.  So yeah, working out after work is out of the question too.

In Texas there are like 4.5 days of the entire year where walking outside is a pleasant experience and 3.2 of them I am at work and can’t really enjoy it.  While I DO enjoy walking around the neighborhood for exercise it just isn’t possible that often.  Besides, I always feel like such an imposter.  I am self conscious that the other walkers will spot me and secretly think how out of shape I am and that I am not even using correct form (whatever that may be).  Plus, why do my fingers swell to sausage size when I walk?  See, just another downside to working out.

There are constant reminders of why I don’t work out.  For instance, the other day a friend of a friend of a friend’s wife dropped a weight on her head and had to get stitches across her forehead.  HELLO, that would have never happened if she hadn’t been working out.  And Chad has hurt his back plenty of times while playing golf, running, and shooting hoops.  I have too many responsibilities to be risking my mobility for something as shallow as tight abs or toned arms.  Besides, I like my double Bye Bye arms, they help reinforce my wave, so that people know I REALLY care about them.

I could go on and on about the subject but my point is actually to tell you about my new idea for an easy workout; one where you don’t have to get dressed, drive to gym, spend 30 minutes pulling your hair back, double knotting your shoe laces, and 10 minutes surveying your competition in the locker room (is it really necessary to walk around butt ass naked, I mean really grab a towel or even a hair brush for goodness sakes).  I have developed The Katherine Lemons Workout Routine (trademark pending).

1.     Begin by turning on the TV, I know, it doesn’t make sense now but it will.  Choose a program that depicts young skinny girls or fit women participating in workout behavior (WARNING: this workout routine may appeal mostly to women, but it can be adapted to fit men as well….however, since men can basically fart and lose 20 pounds it’s not as though they really need a routine). 

2.    Engage in watching that show for at least 30 minutes.

3.    While you watch move from the couch to the floor, or if you have an oversized ottoman you can move to that as well…moving the dog out of your way multiple times may be necessary.

4.    Once securely on the ottoman or floor begin doing mini crunches.

a.    Mini Crunches can be defined as attempting to sit up but giving up half way through due to fatigue.  Forgot about military crunches and all those silly rules, these are sit ups for the lazy!

5.    Continue with as many mini crunches as you can muster without breaking a sweat, the idea is that you don’t really know you are working out.

6.    When done with crunches lie back down on your side and begin leg lifts.

a.    Leg Lifts are easy, you can lift as high or as low as you feel is necessary.

7.    When your legs begin to tire you may quit, no need to overexert yourself.

8.    If you are feeling really adventurous, stand up.

9.    Once on your feet begin arm circles.

a.    Arm Circles should be done in small and large rounds so as to garner a “well rounded” arm workout.

10. Now take a break!  During break it may be appropriate to hydrate and even pop a few Jelly Bellies to keep your energy up.

11. The last step is simply to repeat for as many times as you want, or not at all if that’s what you want.  If “not” then you can reengage in break time and consume more Jelly Bellies (no-name jelly beans are not recommended as they are tasteless and nasty).

My theory and new motto is that something is better than nothing, and if my alternative to steps 1-11 is nothing than certainly this must be better.  The TV program serves to inspire you; I mean who wants to eat a bag of cookies while watching Heidi Montage parade around in leggings and high heels (not I).  The Bravo program Workout is an especially good inspiration, I think watching fit people engage in exercise is the next best thing to actually working out yourself.

P.S. Another great workout is shopping, all that mall walking and trying on of clothes actually does burn calories, it’s true I read it in Glamour so it has to be fact.



4 Comments leave one →
  1. Gigi permalink
    June 26, 2008 5:31 pm

    Can you please come up with a version B (for those of us with kiddos) to The Katherine Lemons workout plan, because what do I do with my baby during said steps 1 – 11? I mean she is never too young to start working on her abs right?

  2. Cindy permalink
    June 26, 2008 11:29 pm

    Mammers and I have personally experienced tremendous weight loss after shopping. Tally ho!

  3. klemons permalink*
    June 27, 2008 2:45 am

    I know right, Mammers and us should go shopping more often, especially if she is feeling in the right mood!

  4. heatherwlu permalink
    June 27, 2008 12:49 pm

    Tell Gigi that yesterday I saw a lady at the gym doing lunges and using her baby as a weight. No joke!

    Oh Katherine, are you and Chad going to be one of those mall walker couples with the matching tracksuits and sweatbands? Please say yes.

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